It's me...

Greg from apatheticempathy.blogspot.com had a recent post regarding the reasons we post and why we use pseudonyms. He discusses why so many bloggers give so little information about themselves. I agree with him that many of us wouldn’t be taken serious if our readers knew whom we really were. They would judge us based on our sex, race, religion, or location. We’d be judge for our job or lack of a job. We’d be judge for our education or lack of one. We’d be judge based on our accent, appearance, and age. Personally I don’t really care to hide who I am. I won’t use my real name and give out my exact location because I don’t care for my evil deeds to ever affect my family. I have no desire for some insane person to track me down and show up at my front door. My name and location aren’t what makes me “Me.” It’s all the other little things that work together to form the collective me. So, who am I? I’m the shy girl who always did well in school but never achieved to her full potential. I’m the girl who was cute but never in the popular crowds. I didn’t live in the right neighborhood, didn’t drive the right car, and didn’t wear the most expensive clothing. I had friends in every click but hug out with the other kids who didn’t really fit into any of the other categories. We weren’t rich kids. We weren’t stoners. We weren’t with the jocks. We weren’t complete nerds. We weren’t different enough to be gothic. We weren’t in the marching band. We were our own little group. I married young to escape an abusive stepfather. I divorced young to find my teenage years. I longed to be loved and usually associated sex with love (and still do). When I was twenty I found myself alone and fell pray to the affections of two I should have avoided. I was the girl who found a new power in her sexual being. I learned how to dress, enter, and then walk into a crowed bar and be noticed. I learned that dancing and kissing another girl would always draw ten times the attention than any pretty face. I’m the shy girl turned attention seeker. I’m the girl next door turned exhibitionist. I’m the girl who went from occasional underage drinking to snorting white lines and desiring more ecstasy. I turned from friend to lover to stalker. I went from stable to full on crazy. I went from self-reliant to needy. It wasn’t until I hit several dead ends and was looking at my own rock bottom that I began to change. I evolved into being resourceful and determined. I worked hard to maintain what I needed to complete my degree. I used someone in order to reach those goals. When I earned my degree I quickly cut all strings and attachments (except for my dear SaneAndSingle) and moved far away from my hometown. I threw myself into my teaching career and even gave up men. I spent two years working on myself and cultivating my mind and soul. It was toward the end of that time that I met my spouse. I was married two years later and pregnant seven months after that. I was the one who was sick morning, noon, and night every day for seven months. I then became the one staring death in the face and being too sick to care. I had to choose my own life over the risk of loosing my unborn child. I had to give up my career, the one that I had worked so hard for. The one that allowed me to feel worthy and needed and the one that allowed me to be completely independent. I quickly lost that independence and still resent it. I had to somehow find a way to bond with this tiny being that cost me my life and career. I had to find a way to feel those loving feelings when we were apart for so many weeks. I had to become the person who had to come to terms with her future demise. I am now one who can look at the end and not fear it. I can look at the end and see the comfort that awaits me there. I am grateful for every moment I have with my child. I know how precious our loved ones are. I know I can live through a great loss. I am strong even if I sometimes doubt it. I am resourceful and practical most of the time. I am shy and demanding. I am snooty at times and grateful at others. I know the power of a kind smile. I am loving and giving. I am demanding and vicious. I’m spiritual but not formally religious. I’m sexual and sultry. I’m overweight but when I dream I see the skinny me. I’m in my late thirty’s but I dream I’m in my late twenty’s. I always have my child in my dreams. I’m not beautiful but I clean up well. I know how to walk, talk, and carry myself in a way that makes me more attractive than I really am. I have beautiful eyes that demand attention (SaneAndSingle’s are exactly like mine). I have pale skin that either burns or freckles. I have T&A for days. When I love you I love you and when I hate you I may still love you. I know my faults and like having many of them. I never want to be just like someone else. If I really like something or someone I never want to let it or them go. Hell, I’m still using the same hairbrush I was twelve years ago. I am me. It’s fun to pretend to be other things but in the long run I always have to come back to the same old me. Take me or leave me. I don’t care. I’m here for me not you. As long as you allow me to be me you shall remain hidden or in plain view.