Settling or Holding Out

The closer I get to 40; *shudder*, the more I look back at my past and wonder how many of my choices I would change if I could go back.



Sane and I recently had a discussion on true love and soul mates. I've been reading all these novels where the characters have these never ending, overly passionate, not even death shall part loves. I think we agreed that type of love doesn't even exist. If it does it's so rare that most of us have never even seen a couple who fit into that category.



What female, be her 12, 20, or 40 doesn't dream of finding her soul mate? A person she can fall so helplessly in love with that she can't even breath if they aren't around. Someone who loves her just as much. That person who with a look into their eyes sets your heart and body on fire. That person you would walk through fire for just to see them smile. Someone who would do the same in return for you.

Is that type of love real? Is it really out there or is it just a fantasy that fits into the realm of Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny?



I have been "in-love" three times in my life. The first to my high school sweet heart. He was the most compatible I have ever felt with anyone. We couldn't stand to spend one second apart. When our relationship ended I thought I would die. I stopped eating and was a walking zombie for weeks. I lived through it; I kept on breathing.

He and I are still friends today. If we had stayed married we would be working on 21 years; wow. I can say with complete assurance that who he and I are today as individuals are nothing like we were 25 years ago. I know that we would never make it as a couple today.



The second relationship where I was "in-love" was one based more on sexual passion. I was "in-love" with what could be rather than what was. I had on about ten pairs of rose colored glasses. He was broken and I was too. I thought he could heal me and I could do the same for him. In the end, all we did was drive each of us even more crazy than we were to begin with. That loss was far worse than any other I've ever felt due to relationships. I still shed tears when I put to much attention into it. I was delusional back then thinking I could ever make him happy and that he could ever make me happy. I don't know enough about who he is today to say for sure about if we would be any more compatible today. I feel about 95% sure that we wouldn't be.



My last "in-love" relationship is with my current mate. We have been together ten years. I have been in and out of love with him many times over the years. He isn't someone I would have ever went out with when I was in my early and mid 20's. He's handsome and I find him sexually attractive. However, he is a bit reserved and dull compared to my a bit wild self. He doesn't have a romantic drop in him. He doesn't have an ounce of rebellion in him. Not a "bad boy" in any way.



So why did I choice him? He was safe. Plain and simple, he was safe. After all the horrid affairs I had in the past I just couldn't put myself into another situation where I was out to have my soul torn to shreds again. I felt the butterflies when he kissed me and often still do. However, I have always known that I could live without him.

He had a stable respectable job that would provide me with a nice life. Nothing special but we wouldn't have to live hand to mouth. He didn't go out with the guys. He didn't eye other women when we were together. He didn't drink much or do drugs. He wanted a family life. I felt I could trust him.



I was right about him. He has been safe. He has never given me a worry about him running around with other women. He always comes home after work. He doesn't gamble, fight, or demand to much.



Is it the "I can't breath without you" love; no. Is he my soul mate; no. He's safe. I love him and would give my life for his. Would I walk through fire to make him smile; no. Would he walk through fire to make me smile; no. He would give his life for me though.

I have a friend that believes that I just settled for safe. She's right. I decided to have something safe rather than nothing at all. I didn't and still don't think that the true love, soul mate love is really out there. I didn't want to keep holding out for something that may not even exist and miss out on having a family.



Do I regret my choice? I have my moments but in the long run no. I miss the raw passion and romance. It often makes me sad that I don't have those items. I still hold out hope that one day my mate might realize how important those areas are for me and how much better our relationship could be if we invested more passion and romance into it.