The Angel and Demon Within

I should be trying to nap but...

2010-09-04T17:01:00.000-04:00

Another sleepless night; as in, I was still awake at 9:30 A.M. I don't know what I'm going to do about my crazy sleep issues. If I take a sleeping pill I'm great but who wants to depend on a pill to make them sleep everynight. I know part of the issue was my own fault. I let my sugar get low yesterday afternoon and ended up having to drink down a cola to keep myself from blacking out. I never have anything with caffine and it hit me hard with lingering effects. On a positive note, I got a lot of new books read which I enjoyed them all. Wonder if there will ever be enough books in the word to get some things off my mind...

My Blood Approves Series

2010-09-04T02:53:00.002-04:00

I so love my Kindle and the fact that I can buy a new book when it’s 1 A.M., I can’t sleep, and I‘m laying in bed in my jammies.

I just finished up a new series, My Blood Approves, by Amanda Hocking. I read all four of the books in the past two days. I told you before…I’m a book whore!

The author is young and self published. I really love the idea of being able to buy books and know that most of the money I’m spending is going directly to the author and not some big publishing house who is out for themselves and not the author’s best interest.

The books were good. Not the best I’ve ever read but good enough to make me want to go back and buy the next one, and the next one, and the next one. Not to mention all the sleep I did without to be able to read four novels in two days! The editing made me cringe but keep in mind that these are self published. You all know how it is when you’ve written something; it’s hard to edit when you already know what it’s suppose to say. Our brains just automatically correct it as we read and never pick up on what we’ve messed up. It’s the educator in me that wants to pull the red pen out and make corrections. That being said, I really don’t mind that much now that I know how new this author is and that she is self published. These books were only $2.99 (ebook) each at Amazon.com. Most novels (ebooks) are around $4-$8 so your getting a good deal.

This young lady has just published these books in the past 8 months and has already had an amazing amount of success. I can’t wait to read more from her and watch how she grows as a writer over the next few years. You can read more about her amazing success at her blog, http://amandahocking.blogspot.

When sleep never comes...

2010-08-27T03:53:00.000-04:00

Gives me chills...

2010-08-20T20:17:00.001-04:00

Okay, I've been a book whore for the past few months. Since mid July I have found myself obsessed with The Fever series by Karen Marie Moning. I wish I hadn't picked them up until December. When I first started the set I thought all five of the books were already published. Wrong. The last one doesn't come out until Jan. 2011. Even that wouldn't have been a big deal if it wasn't the fact that these books are one cliffhanger after another and packed full of mysteries that won't be answered until the last book. If you haven't read them do. They're a great paranormal series with a grown up plot.

Barrons (JZB) is going to come and rain down on me one day... Well, a girl can dream!

Yeah, it's been a while...

2010-08-03T13:17:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while... But.... it has been summer which means I have the boy 24/7. I had my wisdom teeth cut/ripped/shredded out. Note to all...ten times worse when you do it in your late 30's than when you do it in your teens. I've also been on a reading spree.

I can smell the way you taste

I chase every breath you take
And I'll wait
Why would I deny?
I don't have to lie
Was there something that I missed?
Well it's not this
All you say is that I'm playing games
But if I stay, I'll just go crazy
Throw away the promise that you made
And understand
I just want to touch you
I just want to fuck you
Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you
Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you
You move how I want you to
You prove I belong to you
And I do

Why would I deny?
I don't have to lie
Was there something that I missed?
Well it's not this
All you say is that I'm playing games
But if I say, I'll just go crazy
Throw away the promise that you made
And understand
I just want to touch you
I just want to fuck you
Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you

Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you
But this is not how I feel
And there is nothing for real
Though I don't know you
I don't even care
But this is not how I feel
And there is nothing for real
Though I don't know you
I don't even care
But this is not how I feel
And there is nothing for real
Though I don't know you
I don't even care
I just want to touch you
I just want to fuck you
Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you

Can I lie to you?
Like you want me to
I'll say that I'm in love with you

Ode to The Rabbit, or something like that...

2010-05-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

     Can women ever thank the inventor of the Rabbit enough? No, there aren’t enough sentiments in all the many different human languages to express what a joy the Rabbit has brought to so many of us.

     As I count the days down until schools out for summer break I decided I needed to take advantage of what alone time I have left. Any guesses as to what my choice was? Hmm, what gave it away?
     I like something a little thicker than my normal Rabbit so I added a sleeve to it. It makes the bead movement less noticeable but the extra stretch is worth it. Why don’t they make these type of toys bigger? If I wanted normal I’d stick with the real thing. If I’m going to play dirty then I want to push myself to the limits, or at least challenge myself a bit.
     Here’s an idea for the up and coming sex toy inventor out there, why not create a “Rabbit-like” toy that comes with sleeves or such so that women can choose which fits them best. Think of it like an anal plug training set.
     Well, enough of my bright ideas for one day… I must make plans for the Gray’s season ending that airs tonight. You know, one must be well prepared for such events!

A Song from the Past...

2010-05-19T14:38:00.000-04:00

Expose- Seasons Change This takes me back to high school...

The Big Talk...

2010-05-18T13:21:00.000-04:00

     Sunday afternoon I ended up having my husband ask me what was on my mind and if I was mad with him. It seems I had been avoiding him all day. I’m usually very affectionate and hadn‘t touched him once all day.
     I tried to avoid telling him what was on my mind. I mean how do you explain to someone that you are feeling completely sexually ignored and considering seeking release somewhere else? Yeah, never an easy conversation.
     He wouldn’t let it go and ended up getting me to talk. Once I got started I let it all out. How I have felt like my needs and satisfaction in the bedroom have been put on the back burner for the past seven years. I even explained to him how I was starting to visually check out other men. How I felt like one of the reasons I haven’t tried harder to slim down is so that it would keep myself less attractive and thus less likely for me to hook up with someone else. Yeah, some big revelations.
     He first responded with the normal reply about how stressed out he has been. My come back, “You haven’t been stressed for seven years.” He then started up with how he knows he needs to go to the doctor and get checked out that his drive and stamina isn’t normal. I tried pushing him to go see a doctor five years ago. He didn’t want to which to me made me feel like I wasn’t important enough to him.
     I went on explaining how most of the time I feel like he should take care of me first then get his own. Foreplay goes a long way with me. With good foreplay I can have an orgasm within the first few strokes. It would also be nice to have him use my toys on me before we ever get started. He tried to explain himself and his lack of help in this area to be due to not being able to keep himself hard very long once he first gets hard. I didn’t and don’t buy that. He then explained it is because he knows he won’t last once he gets inside of me if he has been getting so excited before hand. Basically I told him I think all his explanations are bull and he is just lazy.
     We ended the conversation with him making all kinds of grand promises. How he is going to be a more thoughtful lover. How he is going to put more time into me. How he is going to go to the doctor and get checked out. Words…They are all just words until I see them in action.
     I made myself very clear that after all of these years I’m tired of his talk. I’m tired of being in a constant state of “horny-ness“. School is almost out for the summer which means that I won’t even have the daytime alone so that I can masturbate. I actually told him that he either makes some real efforts to correct the issues or I’m going to find someone who can take care of them for me. Cold and bitchy but I’ve tried to be nice and comforting for seven years. How fucking long would you last?
     I made it clear that I still loved him and still wanted him. He knows how sexy I find him. He’s a little over six feet tall. Has a permanent tan due to being half Asian. Lean build with sexy biker legs. He has the stereotypical thick, straight, black Asian hair that shows off his youthful face. He looks at least ten years younger than his real age. Thick full kissable lips. When he is dressed nicely and clean shaven he still has lots of women check him out and many that openly flirt. Yeah, I find him delicious. Which makes it even harder for me to always be around him and not have him sexually the way I’d like to.
     Since our talk he has tried rubbing on me twice. I played asleep both times. I’m scared of what would happen and more of what wouldn’t happen. I need a few days to get my head clear before I let him that close to me again. I think I’d really like for him to tell me he made himself an appointment to see a doctor. I believe that if I let him have sex with me now when he is more out to be eager to please me he will talk himself out of going and things will never change.
     So where do I stand? He needs to take himself to the doctor and find out why his sex drive and stamina is so low. If there is a medical reason that can be treated then get treated. If there is a medical reason that can’t be treated, well, damn, I’ll just live with it and make him more involved with helping me masturbate. If there isn’t a physical reason the doctor can find then we have some bigger issues that will have to be dealt with. If he doesn’t go to a doctor then I’m going to take it that I’m not as important to him as he says and I’m going to be on the lookout for a boy toy.
     I know me; once I reach the point where I actively search for a real life toy I will turn cold toward him and want to leave him. I really don’t want to reach that point. I know I won’t be any happier alone but how would I be able to stay married while sleeping with someone else? See, I do have a few morals left.
     How long do I give him? I’m thinking two weeks to make an appointment. Not sure when I’ll be willing to let him try having sex with me. If I keep avoiding his attempts he will just stop trying. So, I better get over myself fast.

Not Fair...Yeah, I can relate...

2010-05-13T19:37:00.000-04:00

Not Fair by Lily Allen

Oh he treats me with respect

he says he loves me all the time
he calls me fifteen times a day
he likes to make sure that I'm fine

You know I've never met a man
who's made me feel quite so secure
he's not like all them other boys
they're all so dumb and immature

There's just one thing
that's getting in the way
when we go up to bed
you're just no good
it's such a shame

I look into your eyes
I want to get to know you
and then you make this noise
and it's apparent it's all over

It's not fair
and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean

Oh, you're supposed to care
don't you never make me scream
you never make me scream

Oh, it's not fair
and it's really not ok
it's really not ok
it's really not ok

Oh, you're supposed to care
but all you do is take
yeah all you do is take

Oh I lie here in the wet patch
in the middle of the bed
I'm feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head

Then I remember all the nice things
that you've ever said to me
maybe I'm just overreacting
maybe you're the one for me

There's just one thing
that's getting in the way
when we go up to bed
you're just no good
it's such a shame

I look into your eyes
I want to get to know you
and then you make this noise
and it's apparent it's all over

It's not fair
and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean

Oh, you're supposed to care
don't you never make me scream
you never make me scream

Oh, it's not fair
and it's really not ok
it's really not ok
it's really not ok

Oh, you're supposed to care
but all you do is take
yeah all you do is take

There's just one thing
that's getting in the way
when we go up to bed
you're just no good
it's such a shame

I look into your eyes
I want to get to know you
and then you make this noise
and it's apparent it's all over

It's not fair
and I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean
I think you're really mean

Oh, you're supposed to care
don't you never make me scream
you never make me scream

Oh, it's not fair
and it's really not ok
it's really not ok
it's really not ok

Oh, you're supposed to care
but all you do is take
yeah all you do is take

Suzy Homemaker I'm Not...

2010-05-13T15:59:00.000-04:00

Playing Suzy Homemaker is getting me down. I had always thought that having the white picket fence and whole family thing is what I wanted. Well, I’ve got it and it just isn’t as filling as I would have thought it would have been.

     I’m a stay at home mom with one child. We live in a nice neighborhood and have the funds to do a few special things every now and then. Of course, not enough funds for me to be a shopoholic.
     My mate is a wonderful man in most ways. He is honest, trust worthy, and dependable. He knows me well and can usually read my mind. He’s affectionate. He’s thoughtful most of the time.
     I love my child. He is smart, loving, and quick witted. However, being a mom isn’t as fulfilling as I thought it would have been. Some days I just wish I didn’t have so much responsibility. Having a kid who has above average IQ, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder, and poor social skills is a challenge. Do I wish I didn’t have him, no way! For all the trouble he is I love him more than anything in this world. I do wish I could send him away for a few days every now and then.
     My child and husband are both slobs. My husband more so than my son. I’ve been trying to train my husband for ten years. It hasn’t worked yet so I guess it’s time to give up. I refuse to work myself to death to keep things tidy when a 45 year old is one of the biggest mess makers. I just don’t enjoy cleaning that much. I keep the kitchen and my bathroom spotless, as well as the laundry caught up. If the boys want to trash their bathroom then so be it. I’ll break down and clean it when it starts to smell. I can only tell them that I don’t want the little boy or the big boy toys in the living room so many times. Basically, the house stays in a clean clutter.
     I could deal with all of it better if I was just getting sex as often as I want and as well as I want it. I know I have an above average sex drive. I’d be happy with everyday if possible. I know I am a bit kinky. But, currently we only have sex about once a week and some times even less than that.
     I have tried to be less aggressive and more appealing toward him. Meaning I have been softly suggesting we take showers and offering more blow jobs. I’ve tried to be more honest about what I’d like done to me while we are doing it. I’ve offered up suggestions as to what we could do the next time that might be fun. I’ve let him know that I’m even willing for before the sunrise morning sex. Still…I’m sexless most of the time.
     If I get out one of my toys and masturbate then I usually get rewarded with him joining in. However, I’d love to have him be the aggressor every now and then. I want him to put my pleasure first. Hey, I’m female, I can have release after release he only gets one shot.
     Is it normal for a 45 year old male to have such a low sex drive? Is it normal for them to only be able to do it once? This isn’t anything new. It’s been like this for about seven years.
     I’m just not sure how much longer I can put off my own desires. I have no intentions of leaving my husband. Which would only leave one option…an affair. I don’t say this lightly. Yes, I have talked to him about my feelings. Many times I’ve talked about them. In fact, whenever we first started dating I told him that if I wasn’t taken care of sexually I would find someone who could. Of course, when you first start dating someone you are fucking like bunnies day and night.
     Sex can be great with him when he takes the time to have some foreplay. Unfortunately, most of the time he wants to be lazy about it. Underwear off without any kissing or petting. I might get a kiss or two and a nipple sucked while he is trying to penetrate. Once in he will do a little dirty talking and pound me hard a bit. However, it is usually over and done with in about 10 minutes and me not having gotten off at all. Can you say “frustrated”!
     I have caught myself looking at more and more men when out in public and thinking what they might be like in bed. I haven’t over stepped in anyway yet and I’d like to keep it that way. So, what do I do to make a change?
     I’ve been thinking about joining some groups now that we are in a city big enough to have lots of activities. Most of the local ones are mom groups. I just don’t see myself fitting into those. I’m just not that into being a stay at home mom. I wish I could go back to work even if it wasn’t teaching again. However, my health won’t allow that.
     I don’t know, I guess I’m just having one of those days. Maybe I should invest in a new sex toy.

What's been on my mind...

2010-04-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

I’ve been reading a new set of books, Anita Blake series. I’m reading about one book a day; as in 300-400 pages a day. Thank goodness for being able to expand the size of the text while reading on the computer! Of course, like with all the books I tend to get into, I have found that one of the lead characters reminds me of someone from my past. Thus, my selection of these songs… Sunshine, these are for you…

Lady Antebellum- Need You Now

Ray Charles - Do I Ever Cross Your Mind

A sad day...

2010-04-26T17:48:00.000-04:00

Five years ago today... I miss you Momma!

Songs of the Day - 14...

2010-04-16T09:13:00.000-04:00

Last day for the videos... Yes, I think I have gotten this out of my system now (for the moment anyway...)

Beyonce - Beautiful Nightmare

Oops (Oh My!) by Tweet and Missy Elliott (After yesterday I thought this fitting.)

Madonna Human Nature [HQ] 1995

Corona - The Rhythm of the Night

Ne-Yo Ft Mary J. Blige - Do You Remix

Dream, Wake, Masturbate...

2010-04-15T13:41:00.001-04:00

I laid down this morning to take a much needed nap. Nothing strange with that, just part of my normal daily routine. I stay up until about 1:00 - 2:00 am each night then get up at 6:30 am to get my child ready for school. When I get back home I take my dogs out and then play on the computer for a hour or so. I usually lay back down about 10:00 am to take a hour or two nap. That’s just what I did today.

However, today when I woke up it wasn’t from being nicely refreshed and ready to start my day. No, I woke up physically and sexually hot. I had been dreaming about sex. Not just a regular sex dream. I was dreaming about masturbation. I admit that I like to masturbate just like any other gal out there. Well, truthfully, I like to masturbate a bit more than the regular girl. So, I’m overly sexual, nothing shocking about that. I always have been.

Dreaming about sex isn’t unusual for me either. Dreaming about masturbation is. I mean, if you are going to dream about sex might as well make it mind blowing sex with some fantasy man.

I woke up and threw off the covers then peeled myself out of my yoga pants. I then reached for my handy massager that stays plugged in by my bed. *A girl has to be ready for such things.

Usually if I wake from a kinky dream I can start to masturbate and reach my exquisite goal in about 3.5 seconds. However, today was different. I needed more, I craved more, I demanded more. I jumped up and went to the top drawer of the highboy dresser. There I pulled out my satin “goody” bag. Yes, I do have a special bag. Yes, I even made it myself just for my toys.

I jumped back into bed and dumped out the contents onto the bed. I did the normal thing and reached for my rabbit. God bless the rabbit! Then something else caught my eye. My bag of butt plugs… mmmm.

I pulled out the medium size one and lubed it up. Then I rolled to my back and just barely inserted it. Instead of reaching my rabbit, I then picked up my massager again.

Slowly I inserted the plug all the way in. With the massager going it only took about 2 seconds for me to reach orgasm. A rather powerful one.

As I was cleaning my toys and putting them away I was trying to figure out why I had chose that means of masturbation. I don’t have an answer.

I do like having anal sex every now and then. We use the plugs about two or three times a year. It defiantly isn’t something that is everyday normal. So, why did I wake up wanting it so bad today?

Time to shake the dream world and sexual glow away. I get to slip into domestic goddess mode. Vacuum, steam clean the carpets, mop, laundry, dishes, cooking…

Songs of the Day - 13...

2010-04-15T09:04:00.000-04:00

***Just one more day left for Songs of the Day...
No Doubt - Don't Speak

I just Died in your Arms Tonight - Stevie B.

One Night Stand - Jazmine Sullivan

Trying to Sell a House Sucks!

2010-04-14T15:22:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I’m not a happy girl at the moment. You know the house has been under for contract for weeks now. Today was the deadline for the second extension the buyers have taken. We get a call from our realtor saying that the buyers’ loan fell through due to the age of our house. The house is 112 years old. The house inspection was done over a month ago and it passed. It didn’t magically just become that old. It was that old when they put the contract on the house. It has been that old the whole time the loan company has been doing the paperwork. Sounds fishy to me!

You want to here the really funny part? Our realtor asked if we wanted to keep the earnest money or give it back to the buyers. WTF kind of question is that? Of course we want to keep the check. We have had to make two more house payments on this house while waiting for closing. Isn’t that why they have earnest money anyway, too help protect the sellers? We just talked to the lawyer yesterday who said all was well and we’d be closing today. Ugggg…

The realtor was going to contact three other buyers who were interested in our house when the current buyers put in their bid. Maybe one of them will pan out. Until then, we get to keep on paying a mortgage and rent, which really sucks!

Songs of the Day - 12

2010-04-14T01:58:00.000-04:00

Usher - You Make Me Wanna...

Love the One You're With

Bonnie Raitt - Angel from Montgomery (live)

Songs of the Day - 11

2010-04-13T09:01:00.000-04:00

Just a few more days left, really... ;)

Pink - You Make Me Sick

Patsy Cline -- I Fall To Pieces

Ace Of Base - Dont Turn Around

Songs of the Day - 10

2010-04-12T01:55:00.001-04:00

Koko Taylor - Come To Mama

Stevie B. - In My Eyes

Kid Rock - All Summer Long

Songs of the Day - 9...

2010-04-11T16:16:00.000-04:00

Hmmm, wonder what's on my mind today...

LL Cool J - Doin' it

Ciara - Love Sex Magic ft. Justin Timberlake

Shemekia Copeland- Wild Wild Woman

Songs of the Day - 8...

2010-04-10T09:39:00.000-04:00

soft cell tainted love

Melissa Etheridge - Like the way I do (Pinkpop 1990)

Justin Timberlake - LoveStoned/I Think She Knows Interlude

Songs of the Day - 7

2010-04-09T08:33:00.000-04:00

The buyers of our house have asked for another week extension... *tapping foot I'm so ready for the closing to just be done and over with!

Lil Kim - Magic Stick (Ft 50 Cent)

Toni Braxton - Un-Break My Heart

Eagles....Life In The Fast Lane (Live 1994)

Songs of the Day - 6...

2010-04-08T09:03:00.000-04:00

Christina Aguilera - Candyman

Patsy Cline - Crazy

Human League - "Don't You Want Me"

Songs of the Day - 5...

2010-04-07T21:50:00.000-04:00

Melissa Etheridge & Joan Osborne Bring Me Some Water

Kelis Trick me

Koko Taylor - That's why I'm crying

Songs of the Day - 4

2010-04-06T08:25:00.000-04:00

Stevie Ray Vaughan & Albert King - Pride and Joy / 1983

Nin Inch Nails - Closer

Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me

All Dressed Up and No One to...

2010-04-05T20:25:00.002-04:00

     We, husband and I, had a meeting this morning at the school in regards to my son’s IEP. I got dressed up more than required for such a meeting, but when else do I get to dress up. I put on a comfortable pair of navy dress pants that are satin lined. A silk blouse with ruffled sleeves and finished it off with high heels. I put more effort into my hair and make-up. Even sprayed on some of my expensive perfume.
     The meeting went well. My son is doing much better in school. The normal behavior plan the teacher is using with him is working. Not to say that there aren’t still bad days, there are, just not as many.
     We came back home after the meeting and I tried to convince my husband to take advantage of us having the house alone. As in, I wanted to have some loud freaky sex. He laughed and brushed me off telling me he had to get back to work to finish his employees time sheets and some paperwork for new hires. “I’ve got a business to run…blah, blah, blah.”
    I was rather put off and though I understood rationally that he had already missed three hours of work I still wanted him to choice me and my lonely vagina. It gets really boring when the only time I can let go and make all the noise I want is during the day when my son’s at school and my husband is at work. It would be nice to have my husband to join in every once in a while!
     I’m still wearing my nice outfit. The satin lining of the pants is turning me on each time I move. I am feeling rather sexy all dressed up and no where to go, or is it no one to do?
     I sign deeply and wander downstairs to do a load of laundry. I may even scrub out the guest bathroom.

Songs of the Day-3...

2010-04-05T10:54:00.001-04:00

3 A Day - I have enough of my faviorites to last a long while...

Incubus - Oil and Water

Noel - Silent Morning

Etta James- I Just Wanna Make Love to You

Songs of the Day - 2...

2010-04-04T13:29:00.000-04:00

Rock Me Baby BB KIng/Eric Clapton/Buddy Guy/Jim Vaughn

Depeche Mode (Touring The Angel) - World In My Eyes

Kelly Clarkson-Behind These Hazel Eyes

Songs of the Day- 1...

2010-04-03T19:48:00.006-04:00

Muse - Sing for Absolution
Melissa Etheridge - Angels would Fall
BB King & Bonnie Raitt - I’m in the Mood For Love
You have to admit I have eclectic taste!

Just Take Me Already!

2010-03-24T15:59:00.001-04:00

     My mate and I are on completely different schedules. He’s an early bird and I’m a night owl. I end up wanting sex around one or two in the morning. He likes it around 6am once he has already had a pot of coffee.
     Our child has sexdar (uncanny ability to know when mom and dad are about to have sex and then finds them in order to put a stop to their affections). If our child is awake we can not have sex. We never, NEVER, have baby sitters. My mate is very protective and doesn’t trust anyone.
     That leaves us to rarely being able to enjoy sex. We talk about it all the time and tell each other what we wish we were doing to each other. We make big plans for late night or early morning hook-ups; however, we usually don’t follow through. It’s always too late at night for him or to early in the morning for me.
     The other day I was telling my mate that I’d love for him to just take me one morning. He laughed and said, “Do you have any idea what you are like early in the mornings? You grumble and roll over.” I came back at him that he needs to just take me. As in, roll me over, pull off my panties, and take it! Be a strong fierce alpha male and fuck me.
     Two days later I woke up to my foot being messed with. It woke me up enough to know that I had a full bladder and needed to get up. I rolled over and as I was getting out of bed saw my mate crawling up the bed from the bottom. I thought, “Yay, sex…let me go pee quickly so I can have some fun.”
     When I came back into the bedroom he was on his side of the bed with his pants pulled down taking care of himself. I got back into bed and rolled over with my arm on his chest. He just kept on pleasing himself. I ended up falling asleep in 5.6 seconds.
     That evening he commented that he had tried to have sex with me that morning. That he had tried to take me just like I had said I wanted. Okay, let us take a break and reflect on this…
1. Don’t wake someone up by messing with their feet. The person sleeping thinks something is crawling on their toes and it freaks them out. 2. If you wake someone up regardless of the time of night or morning expect them to need to take a bathroom break. Unless, of course, you are into golden showers, which I am not. 3. When a woman tells you to take her she wants you to take her. That means, you the man, must act as the aggressor. You take her underwear off, flip her into whatever position you want and then fuck her. Fuck her hard.
     I really felt like I was having to explain the whole concept to a student. I might just have to put together a PowerPoint presentation. Maybe with the use of visual aids I can get the concept across.
     Note to all males… Women do not like meek men in the bedroom. We don’t want cave men either so don’t go crazy. We all want a little soft now and then but we also want to be fucked. If you aren’t willing to put forth some effort we, the ladies, would just rather sleep.

Don’t you just hate it when a family member screws you over…

2010-03-23T23:31:00.000-04:00

     My sister wanted to move up to the mid-west with us. Her home was being foreclosed on and she was going to have to move anyway. She knew that she would have to give up one of her two dogs. She knew she would have to give up her privacy. She knew living with our young son would be loud and annoying at times. However, she would be able to save a lot of money each month and be able to pay off some of her debt.
     Just before we moved she decided she wanted her alcoholic son to move with us when he got out of rehab. My husband wasn’t very happy with the idea but willing to give it a go if the boy (21yr old) would tame his ways. Meaning, no police, no arrest, no loud obnoxious drunk behaviors.
     We had already found a place for my family to live. The house had a finished basement and third bedroom that my sister and nephew could use. We just wanted help with utilities and groceries. When moving day arrived and we reached the new location the house we were to be renting wasn’t vacated. The owner had only gotten about half of the household items moved. Here we were with a huge U-Haul, kid, 2 dogs and my sister and her caravan on the way too. The owner ended up saying that we just wouldn’t be able to move in and gave us our deposits and first month’s rent back. We had less than 24 hours before my sister would arrive in town with all of her belongings.
     We rushed and made some frantic phone calls trying to find a rental that would accommodate all five of us and three dogs. We were lucky to find a 4b/3b that was move in ready the next day. Called my sister and let her know about the place but that it would be $400 a month over our budget. My sister said that she would pay the difference.
     Well, that was four months ago and she has only paid us $500 once. There has been a lot of tension in the home due to my nephew being a lazy drunk. He just got a job two weeks ago after my husband threatened to kick him out if he didn’t get one. He had actually told myself and my husband that he didn’t see why he needed to get a job because he wouldn’t make much money anyway. Meanwhile, his mother is working two jobs. He leaves lights on when he leaves rooms, never turns off any of the TV’s, and takes two 45 min. showers a day leaving no hot water for any of us. Never locks the house doors and drinks and smokes all the time. Not horrible things but annoying when he is living free off of us.
     Things just weren’t working out. Then weekend before last I was woke up at 3:30 a.m. by the door bell and the dogs going crazy. It was the police. They had received a disturbance call about my nephew sitting out in his SUV playing his stereo to loud. My nephew was drunk as a skunk. He had told the police that he had just came back from a gas station buying cigarettes. The kid was lucky that they didn’t arrest him.
     Once the police left I tried to get him to go to bed. Once I went back to bed I heard him up and found him trying to go outside with his car keys in hand. I refused and got his mom. He said he just wanted to move his SUV and grab his cigarettes. I told him to stay inside that the police had just left and he didn’t need them coming back, that his mom and I would take care of moving it.
     He wouldn’t listen to me and followed me outside getting louder and louder. I finally stopped and turned around to him and said in my most calm, low, stern voice, “Go back inside I’m becoming mad.” He then stomped up to me so he was only 6 inches away and started cursing at me telling me that he was the one getting pissed off. Needless to say, the next day my husband told him that he had until the end of the month to move out.
     My sister and I had a fight last week over it. She made the mistake of saying that we were just throwing him out in the cold street. She tried to compare my precocious 6 year old to her 21 year old. I ended up loosing my temper. I had been holding back for months. I had my own 2 yr old temper tantrum. When someone else is paying for your living expenses you do own some respect and can’t expect to do whatever you like.
     I apologized less than a hour later for my bad outburst. Things have been very tense and we have been just holding our breath for our nephew to move out. He never once apologized for his behavior.

     This evening my sister told me that she has found a townhouse and will be moving this Friday. We still have 8 months left on our lease. She hasn’t been able to even give us $400 dollars a month but now she is going to be paying $900 a month for her a her son a place. I, of course, feel used. I feel like she just bent me over and screwed me without the aid of any lubes.
My husband isn’t surprised. He told me over a week ago that she would end up moving out with her son at the end of the month. I kept telling him no that she wouldn’t do that to us. He was right and I was wrong (damn him, he usually is right). He is actually happy about it.
      He thinks we will save money in the long run because we won’t be spending so much on utilities and groceries. We also won’t have to worry about her dog that has bitten me over five times now and that poops and pees in the house. We won’t have to worry about keeping our son silent all of the time. The house will be free of all the built up tension and we know the front door will stay locked.
     I can see his point and I know in a few weeks I’ll be happy about it too. However, for the moment I’m mad and my feelings are hurt. ***My husband and I are placing bets on how long it will be before she isn’t able to keep up with the rent and the police are called out on my nephew. He gives her three months before they are evicted. I say 6 months.   Evil for me to be thinking that way...Dang Demon...

Home

2010-03-12T12:53:00.000-05:00

We have a sales contract on our house in south Georgia. The contingency period is almost over, 3 more days. I should be ecstatic about being able to get out from under a house I’m not living in. Should be, but I’m not.

I hated the rural town where the house is located. To small, close minded community, to far south, and far from my closest friends. I hate the way having to pay for it and our new living arrangements in KC are such a financial burden. I know I wouldn’t ever want to move back that far south.

However, with all of that going against it. I still love the house. It’s flower lined walkway leading to the sweeping steps that converses onto the huge front porch with it’s Greek columns. I love the four fireplaces, grand center hallway lined with book selves. I love having three bathrooms and four bedrooms. I love having a formal living room and separate den. I love my huge bedroom that allowed for separate sitting areas along with my large bedroom furniture. I love having all wood floors and the twelve foot ceilings. I love the century old shrubs and trees. I loved how safe I felt within the house’s walls. It has stood strong, proud, and beautiful for over a hundred years. I liked being a part of it’s history.

I could have another house. Another old house if I wished. But I won’t, not for a very long time. We seem to move every two years and I’m sick of getting attached only to have to break away. I never had a real home of my own growing up.

My father moved us from place to place in my early years; much like we are doing to my own child. When my parents did divorce and my mom remarried we lived in “his” house. A fact that he never let us forget. I was told weekly if not daily that it was “his” house. I had always wanted a place of my own where I could feel safe and secure. A place that would always be mine, not just some rental.

I had just gotten my house in Savannah the way I wanted it when we had to move to south Georgia. The year it took to sell that house demolished our savings and ran up our other bills. I waited eight months for the right house to come along in south Georgia to buy again. The price was great and I’d never lived anywhere with that much space. I’d never lived anywhere that was that grand and elegant. Wood, granite, stone; nothing cheap about it.

We were only in the house for five months when we found out that my husband’s DC was closing and we’d have to move. Thankful that he’d been offered another job with more money within the same company.

I had to sell most of the antiques I had bought to fill the large house. We knew that all of our items wouldn’t fit into one of the self driving moving trucks. Plus, we were going to need as much cash as possible for making the move. (My husband's company payed for the move but it comes out of his P&L.)

I like the new city. The house we are renting is large but it’s a rental. Meaning, that the owners haven’t kept up with it the way they should and all the walls and trim work are the same boring off white. My sister and her son moved with us and are living with us. I’m glad to have my sister nearby. However, having two other adults in the same house does add to tension. Financially the strain of having two more adults and the extra cost of a bigger place to contain us is bearing down hard. I think my husband’s generosity is being pushed a bit to much now that we have been her for over three months.

I should be thrilled that the Georgia house is about to be sold. That will greatly help our finances. It will relieve some of our stress. So, why don’t I feel jubilant?

Is it because I know I don’t plan on buying another house for several years? I refuse to get attached and have to deal with the issues of putting another house up for sale. I know the odds of us staying in this town for more than five or seven years are slim. I’ll be shocked it we stay over three years. So, why buy anything.

I told my husband I want to buy a driving RV. That way we have a home on wheels. Would make moving a heck of a lot easier. Yeah, I said it as a joke but I think there is some truth behind it. If nothing else, I wouldn’t mind buying a rustic cabin somewhere in the lower Appalachian mountains. A vacation home but somewhere I can think of as being solely mine and always there for me when I need the security.

Knock on wood, the sale will be final in a few weeks. Six months from now we will be caught back up to where our finances were prior to this move.

I don’t plan on unpacking anymore boxes or hanging anything on the walls. Knowing this is a temporary stay and I feel for it just like I would a hotel room.

Yep, I think holding out until we can afford to buy a small second home for vacationing is going to be my next move. Something on the water surrounded by mountains. Within a hour drive from a major city. Jet skis, deck boat, fireplace, hot tub, vegetable garden, flower garden… Yeah, that all sounds lovely and gives a bit of a light down the tunnel to aim for.

Ramblings About Writing

2010-02-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

I’ve been in the mood for writing. I’m not sure what has brought this on but I’m running with it. I’ve actually been thinking about working on a book. Fiction of course. No, nothing that I’d ever try to publish but something to use my stagnant brain. Something to use some of my limited creative talents.

You would think that being a stay at home mom would be a great thing. It wasn’t something I ever expected to be. I had planned on retiring as a teacher and enjoying every moment of my summer breaks. However, LIFE doesn’t always work out the way we plan.

I developed a serious heart condition that has left me with limited physical strength. Thus, I was force to give up teaching. Can’t say that I miss going to work. You know, all the getting up at the crack of dawn and having to dress up. Don’t miss the staff and parent meetings. Don’t miss all the paper work and I truly don’t miss No Child Left Behind Act and it’s BS. Politics and education do not mix.

I do miss working with kids and the moments when you know that they “get it.” I miss being around people and having that daily interaction. I miss feeling like I was doing some good in the world. Felling like I had a purpose.

I know there are tons of folks out there that get that warm and toasty feeling just by keeping a clean house and having a nice dinner waiting on their family. Not me. I only enjoy the clean house. I can enjoy it just as well if someone else does the cleaning. Clean house is a clean house.

I like to cook sometimes. Just not every night. I like being able to be available for my son if he needs me during normal working hours. I love being able to take naps during the day. In fact, my normal routine is to stay up really late, get up early to take my son to school, then come back home and get another two hours of sleep in. Staying at home has some benefits.

What most people don’t think about is all the time that you spend alone or isolated with just your family. It’s very lonely. I’m not one to have lots of girlfriends. I have a couple of very close friends that have been around forever. I generally either like someone a lot of don’t like them at all. I don’t care to waste my time with pretending that I have things in common with someone if I don’t.

I like to have projects to work on. We are a thousand miles from the house we own in the south so I can’t work on it. We are in a rental in our new city so projects with the house are out. Having to pay a mortgage and rent is strapping our wallets so I can’t engage in some of the hobbies I would like.

So what to do… Why not write. I may not be any good at it, but you never know until you try. I’ve been rolling an idea around in my head for a week or so. Have a good idea who my main character is. I’m going to model him after three males I know; MPPM, my son, and one of my blog friends. I want him to be young, a teenager I think. I have a basic working knowledge of his looks, intelligence, views of the world, and flaws. As he comes “of age” he develops increased senses. It has happened so gradually that he hasn’t noticed the change. He has a chance meeting with a stranger, older ageless male, who immediately sees what this young man is and what he has the potential to become. Okay, enough… The rest is strictly tiny threads of ideas that may or may not take hold.

I like the thought of doing research for a story. I love the thought of being able to do something besides online games to keep my mind busy. Now, do I have the attention span to stick with it. Will I become just lazy and decide it’s just too much work. Anyone want to take bets on it?

My Favorite Kid's Books

2010-02-04T15:51:00.002-05:00

Teaching elementary I collected kid books. I had a small group of them that were my all time favorites. Some were new to me and some were from my own childhood. I don’t have them listed in any special order; just, who came to mind first.

1. My Side of the Mountain by Jean Craighead George

2. The Enormous Egg by Oliver Butterworth

3. Tops and Bottoms by Janet Stevens

4. The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka

5. I Love You Forever by Robert Munsch

6. Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney

7. Everything by Beatrix Potter.

8. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

9. If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff

10. Soft Rain : A Story of the Cherokee Trail of Tears by Cornelia Cornelissen

My Side of the Mountain had me digging a hole under a big oak tree in my back yard. I wanted an escape from my own world and the emotional strains of my parents divorcing when I was in fourth grade.

My second grade teacher, Mrs. Sheriff, read The Enormous Egg to our class. I learned how genetics play a role in our makeup. To this day the triceratops is my favorite dinosaur.

There are some children’s book that I bought just because I loved the artwork. Tops and Bottoms was one of those books. Once I got it home I found that I loved the story too. A lazy bear and a tricky rabbit makes for a cute funny story.

My all time favorite children’s book is The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs. I have read this to children of all ages and they like it. It is best enjoyed by fourth graders who can pick up on all the sarcasm and hyperboles. Perfect for teachers to do a comparative lesson between it and the original.

I Love You Forever and Guess How Much I Love You are my favorites to read to my son. I tell him every night when I tuck him in that, “I love you to the moon and back.” He then ask me, “How many times?” I tell him, “50 million zillion times.” He then tells me that he loves me even more.

Anyone who knows the story of Beatrix Potter’s life can’t help but to appreciate her stories and artwork even more. Jeremy Fisher is most likely my favorite but that is a close call.

The Wind in the Willows was one of my favorite stories when I was a child. I use to love watching the movie too.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie was given to me by my sister and her son one year for Christmas while I was still in college. I fell in love with it and soon owned several of the others in the collection.

Soft Rain : A Story of the Cherokee Trail of Tears was a book one of my best students had brought to school one day and asked if I would read it to the class. I was teaching fourth grade at the time and was able to work it into our social studies lessons. It was a heartbreaking tale of one of the saddest times in American history. I personally have two great grandparents who were Cherokee. It reminded me of some of the horrors their families had to endure. Most kids are very egocentricity. This is a good story to introduce some empathy into their world.

Settling or Holding Out

2010-02-03T22:30:00.000-05:00

The closer I get to 40; *shudder*, the more I look back at my past and wonder how many of my choices I would change if I could go back.

Sane and I recently had a discussion on true love and soul mates. I've been reading all these novels where the characters have these never ending, overly passionate, not even death shall part loves. I think we agreed that type of love doesn't even exist. If it does it's so rare that most of us have never even seen a couple who fit into that category.

What female, be her 12, 20, or 40 doesn't dream of finding her soul mate? A person she can fall so helplessly in love with that she can't even breath if they aren't around. Someone who loves her just as much. That person who with a look into their eyes sets your heart and body on fire. That person you would walk through fire for just to see them smile. Someone who would do the same in return for you.

Is that type of love real? Is it really out there or is it just a fantasy that fits into the realm of Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny?

I have been "in-love" three times in my life. The first to my high school sweet heart. He was the most compatible I have ever felt with anyone. We couldn't stand to spend one second apart. When our relationship ended I thought I would die. I stopped eating and was a walking zombie for weeks. I lived through it; I kept on breathing.

He and I are still friends today. If we had stayed married we would be working on 21 years; wow. I can say with complete assurance that who he and I are today as individuals are nothing like we were 25 years ago. I know that we would never make it as a couple today.

The second relationship where I was "in-love" was one based more on sexual passion. I was "in-love" with what could be rather than what was. I had on about ten pairs of rose colored glasses. He was broken and I was too. I thought he could heal me and I could do the same for him. In the end, all we did was drive each of us even more crazy than we were to begin with. That loss was far worse than any other I've ever felt due to relationships. I still shed tears when I put to much attention into it. I was delusional back then thinking I could ever make him happy and that he could ever make me happy. I don't know enough about who he is today to say for sure about if we would be any more compatible today. I feel about 95% sure that we wouldn't be.

My last "in-love" relationship is with my current mate. We have been together ten years. I have been in and out of love with him many times over the years. He isn't someone I would have ever went out with when I was in my early and mid 20's. He's handsome and I find him sexually attractive. However, he is a bit reserved and dull compared to my a bit wild self. He doesn't have a romantic drop in him. He doesn't have an ounce of rebellion in him. Not a "bad boy" in any way.

So why did I choice him? He was safe. Plain and simple, he was safe. After all the horrid affairs I had in the past I just couldn't put myself into another situation where I was out to have my soul torn to shreds again. I felt the butterflies when he kissed me and often still do. However, I have always known that I could live without him.

He had a stable respectable job that would provide me with a nice life. Nothing special but we wouldn't have to live hand to mouth. He didn't go out with the guys. He didn't eye other women when we were together. He didn't drink much or do drugs. He wanted a family life. I felt I could trust him.

I was right about him. He has been safe. He has never given me a worry about him running around with other women. He always comes home after work. He doesn't gamble, fight, or demand to much.

Is it the "I can't breath without you" love; no. Is he my soul mate; no. He's safe. I love him and would give my life for his. Would I walk through fire to make him smile; no. Would he walk through fire to make me smile; no. He would give his life for me though.

I have a friend that believes that I just settled for safe. She's right. I decided to have something safe rather than nothing at all. I didn't and still don't think that the true love, soul mate love is really out there. I didn't want to keep holding out for something that may not even exist and miss out on having a family.

Do I regret my choice? I have my moments but in the long run no. I miss the raw passion and romance. It often makes me sad that I don't have those items. I still hold out hope that one day my mate might realize how important those areas are for me and how much better our relationship could be if we invested more passion and romance into it.

Fantasy World

2010-02-03T13:50:00.002-05:00

I discovered Kindle for PC two weeks ago. I had been wanting a Kindle for a while now but just didn't see myself spending that much money on one. I was thrilled when I found that Amazon.com has a Kindle download for PCs (free). It lets you buy and download up to 1500 books!

Twilight has been showing on Showtime the past few weeks. I saw it when it first came out on DVD last spring but watched it again two weeks ago. I normally don't like watching (or reading) anything twice due to my ability to recall information with such detail once I‘ve been prompted. However, it was a Saturday evening at home with the family and safe to watch with my six year old.

I thought the way Robert Pattinson was made up (hair, make-up, dress) and the soft air brushed glow they used on him was just beautiful. I decided to research some of the Twilight websites.

I decided to take my son with me on Sunday to go see New Moon. We both loved it. That night I went back to my research online and found a character study in rough draft form on the author's website, http://www.stepheniemeyer.com.

It was done on Edward. It was very eye opening to read the beginning of the story from his point of view and made the story so much more real and understandable. I fell head over hills in love with Edward. Yeah, Robert the actor is very nice to look at but it's the fictitious character of Edward that has me panting.

Sane had been trying to get me to read the books for years. I always put it off thinking I wouldn't like them due to them being Young Adult novels. After reading the Midnight Sun rough draft I had to have more!

I spent two hours on Monday searching all the local libraries for any of these books. Long waiting list for each one.

I had went online to Amazon.com thinking I'd just order the third book. I discovered the Kindle download then and ordered Eclipse. Very cool to be able to have the book within one minute of buying it. I finished it in less than 12 hours. Ordered Breaking Dawn and tried to sleep for a few hours.

In my sleep, I knocked over a glass of water onto my turned on laptop. Fried! I'm not sure if I was more upset that I destroyed my less than 6 month old laptop or that I wasn't going to be able to read the fourth book.

I used my son's mini later that day. I downloaded the Kindle software to it. I was planning on just buying the fourth book again. To my surprise and delight the books I had bought were already there. Yay! This is another feature I like; I can access the books I own from any computer as long as you download the free software.

I was back on my way reading every free moment I had. Sleep, who needs sleep when you have a fantasy world! I have now went back bought and read books one and two.

Sane you were right; so much better than the movies. I still think that the character study (Midnight Sun) is what made these books come to life for me. If I hadn't read it I wouldn't have been so caught up.

It's two weeks later since I watched Twilight that night with my family and I have been re-reading some of the books. Can we say "Obsessive!" I've be shocked that I even liked the books. Even more shocked by how much.

One of my blog friends, Greg, wrote about how these books are making it impossible for young men to live up to young ladies expectations of boyfriends and love. Greg, I'm not sure I truly understood your point until I read them myself. Sorry about that.

Sane and I discussed it last week. I think we agreed that the type of over powering love that Bella and Edward had doesn't really exist. If it does exist it is so rare that very few ever even catch a glimpse of it. Which will lead me to my next blog about Settling or Holding Out for your Soul Mate.

Evaluations...

2010-02-03T12:53:00.000-05:00

My little boy is now set up for special education testing for emotional behavior disorders. I had been thinking it was most likely ADHD and ODD but now I'm starting to think that it might just be sensory integration disorder. If that is the case, all the ADHD and ODD symptoms may just be related to the sensory issues.

I also have him set up for evaluation and testing through the local children's hospital. The school has 55 more days to complete their testing and it will take the hospital until mid April for them to finish.

He has been doing much better in school since the return after Christmas. We are using so much positive reinforcement it's crazy.

Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms, and what ever else I can find to cross that he will be able to overcome these obstacles in the least painful way.

EBD or just BAD

2009-12-16T21:24:00.001-05:00

EBD stands for emotional behavior disorder. When I was teaching I often had students who we (my peers and I) would joke about not being EBD just plain out BAD.

Well, here I am with my own little spawn and I am wondering the same about him. Does he have a real medical reason for his behaviors or is he just spoiled and being naughty?

He is six years old and was born 10 weeks early. He has experienced major developmental delays in all areas except cognitive. In fact, he is actually advance cognitively. He understands and uses sarcasm; a trait I actually like.

He has caught up in most areas developmentally. He does still have speech issues but even that isn't very bad. However, he is immature. Notably when compared to other children his age.

We have been having behavior issues with him at school the whole time. Him name calling, having a hard time controlling his emotions, not wanting to stay on task, talking back, and sometimes still having two year old tantrums.

This year at his old school there had been a huge improvement. He was still getting into trouble but nothing major. His first three weeks at this new school he has just started was going good too. Until... Yeah, well, this week has been different. He has been in trouble everyday. At home he has started hurting our dogs. He has been caught twisting their ears until they cry. Today he ended up in in-school suspension for hitting a little girl. His new principal was quick to tell me I needed to take him to the doctor.

I had already asked two weeks ago to have the school social worker meet with him and see about getting him into a peer relations group. I have left messages with the school social worker but haven't heard back from her.

I made an appointment with his peds doctor for in the morning. I'm not sure what good he can do but to help direct me to a psychiatrist or psychologist. I've put in tons of calls today in our new city to try and make an appointment with one but no one returned my call and I wasn't ever able to talk to a real person.

I'm very torn with what we should do with my son. When his behavior was just annoying I felt like we could hold out and see if he would grow out of it. Mature some and that would take care of most of it. Him becoming physical is something new. I can't allow that to linger.

So what have I done to help at home and at school? Everyday he doesn't get into trouble at school I give him a treat. It may be an ice cream sandwich or a small toy. When he does get into trouble he doesn't get to play with the neighbors (which now he doesn't have any to play with) and he doesn't get to watch cartoons. If he is in trouble several times in a row we take away favorite toys (his bike, v-smile, remote control car...). When he goes all week without getting into trouble we do something special over the weekend. When he goes a month doing good we do something super special. This past weekend we took him to a family fun center where he was able to play arcade games, ride a tilt-a-whirl, and ride go carts. We have been using this system for over a year now and yes we are consistent with it. At his old school he got a daily sheet where the teacher would put a green (good), yellow (warning), and red (trouble).

Last year I had the teacher using mini charts and stickers to break down his day into four sections. For each section of the day he was good he got a sticker. At the end of the day he would get to draw out coupons to be given to me at home. The coupons were for reading with mom or dad, ice cream, extra cartoon time, small toy, Happy Meal, and game with mom or dad. He responded well to this system. We weren't using at the first of this year because he wasn't needing it. I suggested we try it now to his new teacher today and she didn't want to.

She wants to use some form of positive reinforcement where she gives him a penny for good behaviors. I'm assuming that after so many pennies he can trade them in for a treat in the class.

Here what gets me... Yesterday when I had to go in and talk to the teacher about my son holding up his fist to a child like he was going to hit her the teacher bent down and told my crying child that it was okay he wasn't in trouble. Well, sorry lady but he is in trouble with his dad and I. He gets told yesterday that he isn't in trouble for threatening to hit but today gets suspended for hitting. Not a very clear message being given.

Today when I talked to the teacher about what had happened she informed me that most of his issues have been when they were in the hallway or at the bathroom. I suggested that she pull him out of line and make him walk with her or if she liked I'd be more than happy to come and sit with him all day. I also told her that I know he is board with the work. It is too easy for him and he's having to do the same work he was doing last year. The teacher told me that the school district requires all students regardless of level to do the same work but that she has been letting him check out library books that are more advance.

It doesn't take my education degree or teaching experience for anyone to know that board kids will get into trouble. *Excuse me while I beat my head against the wall.

Does my child actually have a medical issue? He is very hyper. He does have a hard time controlling his emotions but he can do it. He is quick to anger. He is immature. He does yell and talk back. He does not like to be told what to do. He doesn't like to do work that is a challenge.

Should I just pull my child out of this school and teach him at home? I am qualified and could advance him greatly. However, he would have even more limited peer interaction which would hamper his growth in that area. Could I set up enough play dates and meetings with other home-schoolers to provide him with those social skills? I tend to think not.

He is an only child and has been spoiled. We are consistent in our parenting and expectations of him. He has just made a major move to a new city and school and we also now have my sister and adult nephew living with us. His father and I get along well and show each other and him affection. He gets several hours of our attention each school night. Tons of attention on the weekend. Most of the time I'm the one giving the attention but isn't that how it is in most families all over the world for all of history?

So what should I do? Medication, therapy, home school, or just bury my head in the sand....

The Music Got Me Thinking...

2009-11-09T23:24:00.004-05:00

I spent some time this evening researching some lyrics and videos for one of my friends. Isn't it funny how a song can stir up so many memories and emotions. Here are a few that caught my attention: Rick Astley — Never Gonna Give You Up. Yes, this dates me doesn't it! I read the lyrics and was instantly taken back to the Walmart parking lot of my hometown. Sitting in the center of a pick-up truck. My high school sweet heart on my left and his good friend and relative on my right. My high school sweet heart was tearing the wrapper off the tape he had just bought. Young, innocent, first love... Nothing better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HrSN7176XI Bryan Adams – Run To You. I remember my best friend and boyfriend joking about how much they both liked this song. I was just too stupid and blind to understand their real reason why. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gF5LaVkDhyk Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Right Round. LOL, My cousin and best friend as a child dancing in our grandmother's house pretending to be "grown." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCiVXigrjjQ Phil Collins - Against All Odds. Early teens spending a few days with a much older cousin at her college dorm. She took me to see the movie. My first "R" rated film. It was at a place where they served food and beer. Best of all, I got to partake in both! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nANmPPmfn_M Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know. Hearing the start of the song and screaming. Jumping on the dance floor with my BFF (Sane)and dancing our arses off as we shouted the lyrics. Our own little moment of saying "Fuck You" to all the boys that had done us wrong. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dR6mEu5-egA Melissa Etheridge - Like The Way I Do. One of my all time favorite songs. I still rock out to this cd when I'm in the car alone. First time I heard it was in my favorite gay dance club in the "big city." I was going through a difficult time and this song fit my emotions perfectly. Melissa Etheridge - Bring Me Some Water. Koko Taylor also does a cool version of it. How many nights have I felt this way... countless. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rZean7bjzY

Breathing

2009-11-08T15:57:00.002-05:00

I'm still breathing... Have tried hard to refocus myself the past few months. I've been a good girl lately and have had very few moments of weakness. I haven't acted on any of my normal impulses. We are currently getting ready to make a major move up north. We weren't ready to move seeing how we had just bought a new home. However, we are sooooo excited to get the fuck out of this tiny backwoods deep south town! Best of all, we will be moving to a major central US city. My son is ready to leave this town too. He can't wait to see snow this winter. He is six years old and has never seen snow. I'm looking forward to helping him make his first snowman. My main concern about moving so far from our home state was being so far from my sister. However, things have changed in her life too and she has decided to move with us. Wow, I we will be able to have a baby sitter!!! We haven't had one of those in three years! Husband is in the new city now getting some prep work done. He keeps telling me about all the fun things we can do when we get there. I'm really hoping that being in a city and having a baby sitter might help give our relationship that spark we so desperately need. I'm trying to stay positive... Wish me luck!

Needed: One Smart Funny Man...

2008-09-23T09:44:00.003-04:00

My best friend is single and in her mid thirties. She has been ready to settle down for a few years now but hasn’t been able to find the right person. In fact, she can’t find a sane man out there. All of the men she meets seem to be nice and normal at first. They always let her down. Large majorities want to get into her pants and will stay around being Mr. Wonderful until she does sleep with them. Once she starts to let her walls down they end up backing away. The keep wanting to come back for more sex but they don’t want the relationship. Is it that the men who are single in this age group are either jaded or just all jerks? Where are the decent men? I just don’t get it. She is smart, attractive, has a good job, well educated, caring, responsible, funny, owns her home and car, and is just an all around great person. Is she too smart for the guys? Is she too independent for most men? Is her humor to dry and dark for many? She does have high standards and I’m sure that has limited her options. But, should she settle for just any person when she lives by those same standards. No, she wouldn’t be happy with just a warm body. She needs a man that can match her mentally. One who can relate to her emotional struggles. One who sets his own high standards and lives by them. Someone who can take care of himself, goes to work everyday, and who wants to come home every night. She is most attracted to black men who are well educated; but she doesn’t limit herself to just one race. Education is a big deal to her. Even that she is willing to have some leniency on if the individual is intelligent and has used his intelligence to better himself. She can’t stand to see someone who is smart but refuses to use it to his advantage. Someone who is content to work a ten dollar an hour job and just get by in life. She can’t stand the man who has three phone numbers just so he can keep his gaggle of woman straight. She can’t stand the man who wants to consume her every waking moment. She has lived alone for a long time and has to have some of that personal space just as she needs air to breathe. Are those things so wrong? Are there really just not any men left that meet those standards? I just can’t believe it. There has to be a guy out there that would fit her perfectly. But where the hell is he? If you see him send him this way and I’ll pass him on to her (of course, after I run a battery of test on him).

Missing Post...

2008-09-23T08:15:00.000-04:00

A detailed person (or one just obsessed with my sexual writings) might notice that I have deleted a few of my post. It was done for the protection of some of the characters in my stories. I would hate for any of their egos to burst. I guess I should write with more ambiguity…

Subway Rage!?

2008-09-19T08:40:00.000-04:00

I picked my boy up from school this afternoon. He had finally stayed on green today. I did the best happy dance possible being inside my car. My son wanted to go to Burger King for his special treat. He wanted a Kraft Mac & Cheese kids meal. Okay, I paid about four bucks for a tiny cup of mac & cheese, a few fries, and a mini drink. Oh, and the toy (the only reason for getting the meal anyway). It was worth every cent if it will keep the little devil behaving well in school. If he was going to eat I figured I might as well get something for Dad and I. I went to the local Subway. My mate wouldn’t be home for two hours and this would keep well. I pulled into the drive-thru and I’m the only car. There is only one car parked by the door. Cool, not busy so this will be fast. I placed my order and waited, nothing. I called my vet to have one of my dog’s med’s refilled. I called my mate to ask him to stop and pick it up on his way home. Still nothing. I waited and waited. No one had even come to take my money. I kept seeing the young ladies chatting. Okay, young girls no big deal. I waited longer. I had only ordered two cold cuts, nothing fancy-dancy. When fifteen minutes had came and gone and no one had even bothered to take my money I figured they must had forgotten about me. I drove off and went to the Wal-Mart across the street. I saw in the rear view mirror a lady shaking her hands in the air at the take out window. Oh, well, too late now… I parked and was about to walk into the Wal-Mart. Here comes a car and pulls up beside my son and I with the angry clerk from the Subway. She says, “You want your foot-longs or not?” Uh, I drove off what do you think. “No, I drove away for a reason, if I hadn’t waited there for 15 min. I would’ve loved to have gotten my dinner.” I just smiled and kept on walking. The clerk took off quickly. Whatthefuck!!!! I went on in and took care of my shopping. I thought about the incident the entire time. This chick had to grab her keys, walk to the front of the store, leave the store, and walk around to the back to get into her car then track my car down in the Wal-Mart parking lot. It doesn’t fit under road rage what is it a special Subway clerk rage? I had my mate call the store to get the owners name or a manager. They wouldn’t give any phone numbers out. I called one of the subways in a nearby town (owned by the same person) and left my name and number. A general manager quickly returned my call. I explained the incident to him and he was speechless. He said he was going to immediately call his boss. I haven’t heard anything back. Who knows if anything will be done or not. I guess I won’t be having Subway anytime soon. I hope no one pisses that clerk off; she might just pull out an AK47 and shoot the place up! Didn’t know it was now in fashion to have clerk rage.

Liar-Liar Pants on Fire…

2008-09-17T16:01:00.002-04:00

My son has been at his new school for four days. On the first day he was on red (naughty). Monday he was on yellow (warning). Tuesday he was on red again. I’ve just received the call that he is yes, once more on red! I’m very upset with him. I expect more from him. He is bright and knows how to behave when he wishes to. Each day we talk to him about his behavior. Monday I took him for an ice cream cone for his improved behavior. Yesterday he knew he had a new toy waiting on him if he was on green. He told me right away that he had gotten into trouble and was on red. He didn’t receive his new toy, lost his cartoon time, and wasn’t allowed to play with any of his toys until just before bedtime. Dad and I both talked to him long and hard about what we expect from him and how we know he can be well behaved. Per our conversation yesterday, he will now have all of his toys taken away until he can come home two days in a row on green. He will also do without his cartoon time. I’m sure a lot of crying and such will occur when he realizes how real it is. I just don’t get it. We follow through with our threats; meaning we do what we say we will do. We give him lots of positive reinforcement. Our expectations remain the same. Why doesn’t he respond to the normal tools? I’m beginning to wonder if he has impulse control issues. His teachers say/have said that it is just normal little boy (especially only child) behavior. I don’t want my child to be one of those little darlings that I always wanted to hang by their toenails in my classroom. When I moved him to this new school the principal asked me if he had any behavior issues. I told her no just the normal little boy attention seeking behaviors. I now feel like such a big liar. Here I have gone and had this nice principal and sweet teacher infected by my little annoyance maker. So what does he do that’s so bad? Nothing serious but the collection of little things is what gets on people’s nerve and they aren’t appropriate for a classroom. Today it was sticking his tongue out and pinching a little boy. Yesterday it was spinning like a top in the floor and making rude noises. Some other things would include: stepping on someone’s foot in line, being too loud in the lunch room, acting like he is going to put a bugger on someone, farting on someone, throwing a rock when playing outside, and running in the hallway. They are all little things and none of them mean that he will turn into a murderer or bank robber. We don’t play like that at home and we don’t find humor in farts or buggers. Why in the world is it being such a big deal to correct these behaviors? Come on Sane, you are the one with the most experience with EBD’s. I’m I dealing with that here? Is there something Dad and I aren’t doing right? Sadly, I must now go and pick up all the toys and lock them away…

"Brown Skin" Kids...

2008-09-16T12:10:00.004-04:00

Friday when I picked my son up from his first day at the new school I gave him the normal twenty questions. Did you have fun? Did you like your new teachers? Did you make any new friends? What were their names? What did you play on when you went outside? You get the idea. I had my landlord in the car with me. I had taken her into town shopping to get us both out of the house. She is a former teacher also and a grandmother so she joined in on the questions. He was full of excitement and joy about how great the new school and teachers are. Great, just what I wanted to hear. I asked how his behavior was and he just couldn’t recall that. My landlord and I looked at one another each with a big knowing smile. Sure, the kid who can remember everything else can’t remember if he got into any trouble that day. Later he did tell me that he had to sit in the sad chair twice. I confirmed it with the teacher yesterday. They were simple little boy things with him being excited and wanting all the attention. The teacher didn’t make a big deal about any of it. Once more I’m very pleased. The other old bat had a cow if he ran in the hall or decided to spin like a top when they sat on the floor. Laid-back teacher equals less stress on him and me! When we were asking him about his new friends he told me there were a lot of brown skin kids in his class and he doesn’t like brown skin. What! My jaw dropped and I looked at my landlord in repulsion. I wanted to stop the car right then and there and beat the racism out of him. I softly told my landlord that dad was going to have a cow over this one. I knew this was going to be one of those subjects that was going to take more than a quick “that’s not polite” talk. I delved into his reasoning as to why he doesn’t like brown skin kids a bit more. He said that their skin hurt when pinched. Okay, why was he pinching kids to begin with. My landlord and I both talked to him about how it didn’t matter what color of skin you have you are going to feel pain if you are pinched. I felt a little better about his comment now. Maybe it was just odd perception he has that darker skin feels more pain than pale skin. I went on to let him know that he didn’t need to be pinching anyone and not to let anyone pinch him. I mentioned it to my husband later that evening. We agreed that we had to find the right way to bring up the subject and handle it in an age appropriate way. While I was cooking dinner he was once again telling me about his day and who all he played with. He mentioned once again that he didn’t like playing with the brown skin kids. I called dad into the room this time. Dad was having a hard time keeping his cool. See, Dad is half Asian and was often teased by kids for being a “chink.” Most of the time he lived in the south during the 60’s and 70’s so there was even stronger racial tensions. Dad’s first words were, “I’ll be dame if a child of mine is going to be a bigot!” I had to calm him down and remind him that the boy is only five and that maybe we just haven’t exposed him to a variety of people. We sat him up on the kitchen counter so he was at eye level with us. This also let him know mom and dad meant for him to really pay attention. We explained that the color of one’s skin did not determine what the heart of the person is like. We went on to ask him if he liked Mr. C. at daddy’s work and Mrs. G. who was one of the teachers he loved last year. He said yes then said that the brown skin kids didn’t want to play with him. Oh, it makes since now. Unless you have taught or lived in a tight-nit southern area you might not realize how much racism there is towards Caucasians. In my first four years of teaching I taught at an inner-city school in Savannah, Georgia. It was the fist time in my life I experienced racism being directed toward me. I had student’s that called me ugly racist names and one little devil child in particular that told me his mom told him he didn’t have to listen to me I was just some rich cracker. Yeah, shows how much she knew about me. One of my closest friends at the time was my paraprofessional. The other paras would get upset with her if she spent too much time with that “white woman.” She became sick during her pregnancy and had to be admitted into the hospital for a few days. She let me watch her two older boys so that they could easily ride to and from school with me each day and it would free up their dad to stay by mom's side. Her family about died; they couldn’t believe she would let a white woman look after her kids. They just couldn’t believe that I could love her and her sons. I didn’t blame the student’s for their outlooks. It came from the culture they were being raised in. Here is what really shocked my husband and I; we weren’t raising him in a way filled with strong likes or dislikes of other ethnic groups. I guess I can take comfort in the notion that he did describe these kids as “brown.” We have tried hard to not use color in our descriptive talk of people so he wasn't familiar with "black." I guess we just haven’t exposed him to a variety of playmates of all ethnic backgrounds. I pray that what we said and how we presented it was appropriate and got through to him. How do you explain to a five year old that ones hue of skin is as generic as ones color of eyes. I spent the weekend making up stories and role-playing with him to secure the lesson. Time will only tell if it worked or not.

Contradictions...

2008-09-16T00:45:00.002-04:00

I was just commenting to someone about how a blogger we both read seems to often contradict herself. It dawned on me, “Duh, stupid, that is what your entire being is about. You are one big contradiction.” ************************************ Doesn’t what I crave but what I do differ entirely? Of course they do. I don’t act on my passions. I maintain my limits no matter how close I may linger at times. (Not that I’d ever admit if I had crossed them.) ************************************ “A damned saint, an honourable villain,” a dramatic oxymoron. Is that what I have been trying to get across to my readers? Or maybe I’m a dialetheia… ************************************ Jean Valjean had an ethical dilemma; stealing is wrong but so is letting one’s family starve. I’m I not battleing my own ethical dilemma? Nurturing my soul and nurturing my family. I don’t want to be the man who dies of hunger and thirst in Aristotle’s De Caelo. ************************************ Oh, I’m delving far deeper than I care to go this late at night. It’s never good when I start quoting plays and philosophers. My head now hurts so I shall retire to bed.

Lovebugs...

2008-09-15T23:20:00.002-04:00

May and September are when the lovebugs swarm in the Deep South. Well, it’s September and they are swarming. You can’t go outside without them wanting to commit suicide by flying into your mouth or up your nose. It will take hours upon hours of scrubbing to remove all of the love bug guts from the front of my car and windshield. The little smashed beast will mess up your paint if they stay on there to long. My dogs are even sick of having to deal with them. ___________________________________________________________________________________ For those of you who don’t know what lovebugs are they’re a type of fly that spends almost the entirety of its life copulating with its mate. That’s right they fuck the entire time! The male and female attach themselves at the rear of the abdomen and remain that way at all times, even in flight. The male eventualy dies and is dragged around by the female until she lays her eggs. ___________________________________________________________________________________ I live near the Gulf so lovebug swarms can number in the hundreds of thousands. They especially like light colors. Goody, Goody, my house is white and both vehicles are silver. The damn things are everywhere you go. ___________________________________________________________________________________ My son was looking out the sliding glass door yesterday. It was of course covered with the horny little basterds. He said in his sweet little voice, “Mommy why do the babies hold on to their mommies’ butts the whole time?” Well, ummm, well, that’s one where you want to wet your pants with laughter. However, I found the maturity to comment back, “I think the babies want to make sure they don’t get lost. Just like I want you to hold my hand when we cross the parkinglot or when we are in a crowed place.” Well, it sounded good at the moment! ____________________________________________________________________________________ I stoped by a carwash this morning and power sprayed the hundreds of guts off of my windshield. It did very little to remove them from the front of my car. I guess I get to start scrubbing in the morning; yay fun.

Video...

2008-09-15T20:49:00.002-04:00

This is one of my all time favorite songs. I remember fist hearing it at Backstreet in Atlanta. Haven't we all had one of those relationships where we feel like we just reach the right point and then it all goes wrong... SaneAndSingle, enjoy the Sex in the City shots!

Let’s just act like that night never happened…

2008-09-14T09:29:00.006-04:00

We have all had them. We have all tried to avoid remembering them. We have all had friends remind us years later just what drunken dumb ass sluts we can be. In a recent blog conversation it came up how one of the other bloggers and I are best friends in the real world. When you have been very close to someone for ten or more years you find out that those things you usually never think about and wish you and everyone else could forget completely is one of their funniest stories about you. Eyes roll and cheeks flush a pale shade of red. The last time I was in "the big city" and was able to visit S&S we went out to eat with Ms. Friendly. I had conversed with her viva our social online community. She is one of S&S’s good friends too. It was only natural that we should meet and bond over our mutual love of S&S. S&S and Ms. Friendly are single and spoke about their current dating woes and adventures. I laughed and thanked my lucky stars that I was no longer apart of that craziness. S&S brought up some of my past stories. She recounted one evening in particular that I generally file in the “oh, dear heaven that never really happened” file. She seems to think it is funny as to where I find it embarrassing. So what happened in this story that even embarrasses me? I don’t know everything and if we are lucky enough to have S&S grace these pages maybe she can fill in the missing spots. S&S and I were newly single after both of us being in year and a half relationships with best friends. S&S had met a charming man in the "big city" area. I had already made one trip to this new man’s home with her for a nice weekend in the city. A few weeks later I was invited back this time the new man was to have a friend for me to meet. I had just gotten my CRX out of the shop for the hundredth time. The car was never worth the money I put into it but I loved it for a whole other reason and did everything to keep it alive. (My MPPM was involved again and would never believe the real reason behind my love for that car.) I was excited to have the car back and she was freshly painted and detailed. We were driving down the highway when suddenly the windshield wipers both flipped out. Not just up in the wiping motion. Out, like you would put them if you needed to change the blades. We pulled over on the side of a busy interstate and worked on getting the damn things to lay flat. We got back on the road and prayed that it didn’t rain this weekend. That should have given me the insight as to how odd the weekend would turn out. We met the men at Dave & Busters. If you haven’t ever been to one you should. It’s a great date venue. My first impression of my date was that he was too short and too masculine for me. I like men with sweet baby faces (all the better to hide the naughty boy interior). I love a man who I have to lean my head back to look at that baby face. This man had neither of those qualities. That was okay with me. I wasn’t looking for another long-term relationship just then anyway. I was hoping that my date would at least be good company for the night. It didn’t take much time talking to find out we had neither the mental or physical chemistry. Oh, well that’s how it goes sometimes. I went on about my way playing games and having a drink here and there and remaining friendly just not sexually friendly. When we left Dave & Busters we went to an Irish Pub near the friend’s apartment. I can remember going to the girls’ room and telling S&S that I didn’t really like this guy but for her sake I’d be polite. I guess after that I decided the hell with making a good impression because I knew I’d never see this guy again. I started drinking. I’m not sure what happened within the next few hours. That’s where S&S’s help is needed, I only remember us all going to the friend’s apartment. Somehow I ended up doing some heavy flirting that lead to the two of us taking a shower together. Things heated up and became very aggressive. I was holding onto the shower rod that hung on the back wall of the shower as I was being penetrated from behind. Amidst the roughness I broke the towel holder (a ceramic one that was firmly mortared to the wall). I can then remember us making our way to his bedroom. I didn’t want to have normal face-to-face sex. I wanted it rough and tough. I didn’t want to see his face; I didn’t want to know who it was violating me. I just wanted the sex, anal sex to be exact. It was one of those nights the naught devil in me wanted complete control and wanted to be punished in every sexual way possible. I guess I had made up my mind that I would never see this man again and that I was horny enough to do him anyway I pleased. S&S and her new man spent the night on the friend’s floor unable to sleep due to my screams. The next morning she was as embarrassed as I was. I couldn’t leave that apartment fast enough although it seems like we lingered there for hours. S&S I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that night. I know that my inner slut took over and decide that if he wasn’t good as a date then we might as well use him for a great fuck. Unfortunately he wasn’t a great fuck. The only thing that makes it linger in the back corners of my mind is the broken towel bar, sore anus, and total embarrassment. I don't even remember his name only that he was a P.E. teacher. S&S, I'm glad that you are able to at least find humor in it, you bitch! (wink)

It's me...

2008-09-14T00:44:00.001-04:00

Greg from apatheticempathy.blogspot.com had a recent post regarding the reasons we post and why we use pseudonyms. He discusses why so many bloggers give so little information about themselves. I agree with him that many of us wouldn’t be taken serious if our readers knew whom we really were. They would judge us based on our sex, race, religion, or location. We’d be judge for our job or lack of a job. We’d be judge for our education or lack of one. We’d be judge based on our accent, appearance, and age. Personally I don’t really care to hide who I am. I won’t use my real name and give out my exact location because I don’t care for my evil deeds to ever affect my family. I have no desire for some insane person to track me down and show up at my front door. My name and location aren’t what makes me “Me.” It’s all the other little things that work together to form the collective me. So, who am I? I’m the shy girl who always did well in school but never achieved to her full potential. I’m the girl who was cute but never in the popular crowds. I didn’t live in the right neighborhood, didn’t drive the right car, and didn’t wear the most expensive clothing. I had friends in every click but hug out with the other kids who didn’t really fit into any of the other categories. We weren’t rich kids. We weren’t stoners. We weren’t with the jocks. We weren’t complete nerds. We weren’t different enough to be gothic. We weren’t in the marching band. We were our own little group. I married young to escape an abusive stepfather. I divorced young to find my teenage years. I longed to be loved and usually associated sex with love (and still do). When I was twenty I found myself alone and fell pray to the affections of two I should have avoided. I was the girl who found a new power in her sexual being. I learned how to dress, enter, and then walk into a crowed bar and be noticed. I learned that dancing and kissing another girl would always draw ten times the attention than any pretty face. I’m the shy girl turned attention seeker. I’m the girl next door turned exhibitionist. I’m the girl who went from occasional underage drinking to snorting white lines and desiring more ecstasy. I turned from friend to lover to stalker. I went from stable to full on crazy. I went from self-reliant to needy. It wasn’t until I hit several dead ends and was looking at my own rock bottom that I began to change. I evolved into being resourceful and determined. I worked hard to maintain what I needed to complete my degree. I used someone in order to reach those goals. When I earned my degree I quickly cut all strings and attachments (except for my dear SaneAndSingle) and moved far away from my hometown. I threw myself into my teaching career and even gave up men. I spent two years working on myself and cultivating my mind and soul. It was toward the end of that time that I met my spouse. I was married two years later and pregnant seven months after that. I was the one who was sick morning, noon, and night every day for seven months. I then became the one staring death in the face and being too sick to care. I had to choose my own life over the risk of loosing my unborn child. I had to give up my career, the one that I had worked so hard for. The one that allowed me to feel worthy and needed and the one that allowed me to be completely independent. I quickly lost that independence and still resent it. I had to somehow find a way to bond with this tiny being that cost me my life and career. I had to find a way to feel those loving feelings when we were apart for so many weeks. I had to become the person who had to come to terms with her future demise. I am now one who can look at the end and not fear it. I can look at the end and see the comfort that awaits me there. I am grateful for every moment I have with my child. I know how precious our loved ones are. I know I can live through a great loss. I am strong even if I sometimes doubt it. I am resourceful and practical most of the time. I am shy and demanding. I am snooty at times and grateful at others. I know the power of a kind smile. I am loving and giving. I am demanding and vicious. I’m spiritual but not formally religious. I’m sexual and sultry. I’m overweight but when I dream I see the skinny me. I’m in my late thirty’s but I dream I’m in my late twenty’s. I always have my child in my dreams. I’m not beautiful but I clean up well. I know how to walk, talk, and carry myself in a way that makes me more attractive than I really am. I have beautiful eyes that demand attention (SaneAndSingle’s are exactly like mine). I have pale skin that either burns or freckles. I have T&A for days. When I love you I love you and when I hate you I may still love you. I know my faults and like having many of them. I never want to be just like someone else. If I really like something or someone I never want to let it or them go. Hell, I’m still using the same hairbrush I was twelve years ago. I am me. It’s fun to pretend to be other things but in the long run I always have to come back to the same old me. Take me or leave me. I don’t care. I’m here for me not you. As long as you allow me to be me you shall remain hidden or in plain view.

Don't mess with my baby...

2008-09-11T20:54:00.001-04:00

I have had issues with my son’s teacher since he began August 1. To begin with I tried to file away some of the comments as me being over sensitive. Hey, I was an educator and he is my only child. I realize that I can be sensitive when it comes to my kid. However, today after another off handed comment was made I reached my fill. Once I dropped my son off I drove around to the front of the school to park and went in. I asked to meet with the principal if she had a few minutes to spare. The principal kept sending the secretary back to ask me what it was I wanted to talk about. I kept stating that it was in regards to my son and that it was private. I don’t know about you; but I’m not one to walk into a busy office and say that I need to talk to the boss because Ms. So & So is a bad worker and needs to be bitch slapped. I may think it, but… The principal reluctantly met with me saying that she only had five minutes. I offered to set up an appointment. She said, “No, go ahead.” I began to explain what comment my son had told me about this morning. “Mom, Ms. So & So says you don’t clean my glasses.” “Oh, what did you tell your teacher?” “I told her that you do clean my glasses before school.” “Oh, well I do don’t I son?” “Yes, she said you didn’t though.” WTF? I understand that he is five and can misconstrue what is being said to him. I tried to talk with him about what the teacher may have meant. He kept going back to the teacher saying that I just didn’t ever clean them. Okay; blank blinking stare. So what you say. Well, if there hadn’t been several of these little things it wouldn’t have been an issue. One of the comments that really upset my husband (keep in mind he is Asian) was when our son came home crying because his teacher wouldn’t let him go to P.E. and made him take his shoes and socks off then she told him that his socks were dirty and his mom should wash them. I was the one to calm my husband down that day and explained to him that the teacher may have been doing some type of developmental testing to see if he had some basic self-dressing skills. He socks may have been stained from him wearing them outside on the porch. Once again another little thing that doesn’t really mean anything until you put five or six of these types of things together in just a month. We had a meeting with the teacher and special education director a few weeks ago. We wanted to get him reevaluated for speech. My son was born two and half months early and has had many developmental delays. This was a normal yearly meeting. During this meeting the teacher shocked the special ed director by her description of her “helper” in the classroom and how my son doesn’t like to follow her directions. The director and I both explained to her that he might see the paraprofessional as just the “helper” and not as a teacher. Kids are usually insightful and know when one person looks down upon another. Why should he respect the para when the teacher doesn’t? We also had a dispute in regards to how strict she was with penmanship. I made it very clear what was acceptable instruction and correction and what wasn’t. My father, sister, and myself were all tormented by this in school. Somehow all three of us managed to excel in school and even get college degrees. Wow, who would have ever thought… My son now writes many of his letters with big arrows drawn next to them. He also doesn’t want to pick up a pencil at home when he use to love to “write.” When more silly notes kept coming home in regards to his penmanship I wrote a long formal letter stating the state standards for his age and grade. I listed the most current and popular research in instructing writing and penmanship. I know; it was formal and filled with a bit of sarcasm. I also cc the letter to the principal who never responded. The teacher responded with the same standards that I had sent her but she added her own take on what they meant. The students are to write their alphabet, upper and lower case, legible. Her take was that it has to be perfect print. Back to my short meeting with the principal, I tried to explain some of the other comments that had been made. The principal stopped me and said, “Oh, you’re the one who sent that letter.” I told her yes. She said that most of what I stated was wrong. I didn’t touch that because there were other issues I wanted to deal with at the present moment. Although, I was thinking that this woman must not know much about language acquisition and emerging writing skills. One thing I know is how to research a topic. I had also discussed my findings with another early childhood teacher prior to sending my letter. I went on to discuss another comment made about something else. She told me that her teacher would not have ever said anything like that and that my child must have misunderstood all of it and that her teacher would not have ever make a child take off his shoes and socks and that those skills are lower than a child his age so it just couldn’t have happened. Yes, all of this she said with all of the “ands” and without taking any pauses. I tried to explain to the principal that I realize that they are part of a small rural community and the employees don’t have much experience with some ethnic groups. Before I could go on the principal was angry saying that race wasn’t an issue. I tried to stop her once more and explain that it wasn’t a racist issue it’s just a cultural sensitivity issue. You don’t dis an Asian man’s child about his socks being dirty and you don’t make them take their shoes and socks off in class. When you had to grow up being teased about being a chink you tend to have sensitivity issues in regards to your race. The principal became visually annoyed and went to the door to open it. I explained to her once more that I didn’t think she understood what I was trying to say. She threw up her hands and rolled her eyes. The principal, the principal… I couldn’t believe it. I walked out with a big smile on my face. Once I got out the door I called my husband and told him that today would be the last day my child spent in that school. I tried to give this school a chance. I had heard a few negative things about this particular teacher. My plan for meeting with the principal was to explain my concerns. Have her tell me, “Mrs. Angel I understand you have concerns. I will look into them for you.” That’s it! I didn’t expect her to agree with me but I didn’t expect her to be rude and so unprofessional. Did I mention that this principal likes to dress in those cheap t-shirt material pants and large cheap cotton pull over shirts? Sorry, being a bit snarky with that. I’ve worked with four different principals during my career and never would one of them show up to work wearing anything that unprofessional. The teachers were not allowed to wear anything that casual either. If you want to be taken seriously and professionally then you dress that way. I went home and changed from my dress pants and casual shirt into a nice fall suit with heels. I drove to the other side of town to the supposedly best school in the county. I asked the secretary if they had any openings in kindergarten. She said yes and that she would get the principal for me. I realized that the secretary was one of my husband’s employee’s wife. Cool, she had once worked for my son’s teacher and didn’t like her personality either. Come to find out this new principal had worked with that teacher before too and felt the same. I found all of this out and never said anything negative about the teacher. They brought it up on their own. I discussed my issues and what I was looking for in a school and teacher. I explained that I knew I was sensitive and over protective but that he was my only child and that I have a health issue that will substantially shorten my life. I mean to be as protective and supportive of my child while I have the chance. The principal gave me a big hug and told me to bring him to his new school in the morning! She selected a teacher who has three young children and is touchy feely like my son and I. Something really funny, the teacher had worked with the other teacher in the past too! She told me she was as opposite of her as humanly possible. Once again, this was without me saying anything negative about the other teacher! Damn that woman has a reputation in this little town. I’m thrilled. I like the new principal; who also knows how to dress like one. I loved the teacher who knows hugs are better than red pens and perfect arches in the letter “M.” My kid already knows all of the kindergarten skills and some of the first grade ones. I don’t care if this new teacher teaches him anything; I can do that at home. I just want him to once again enjoy going to school and enjoy using a pencil and crayon. I may have to drive a bit more and wake up a few minutes early. Oh, well. I’ll be done with those crazy folks at the other school.

Simple pleasures…

2008-09-10T21:34:00.001-04:00

Today was an extra nice day for me. It was about time I had one! I didn’t want to get out of bed but I had to get the little one up, dressed, and taken to school. My little one didn’t want to get up either. However, once I got up and moving I livened up. When I got home I was able to video chat online with a long distance friend. We had a great chat that put me in a nice mood. After our chat I added a bit of makeup and changed outfits. I headed into town and got a haircut and eye waxing. Since I was already in town I met my mate at one of the nicer local restaurants for lunch. After lunch I stopped by one of those everything for a dollar stores and picked up a toy for my son. We had made a deal that if he had a great day I would have a treat waiting on him. Went home and tidied up the house. I got on the computer and played for a bit. Before I knew it I was running late to pick my son up from school. He had a great day so he got his light up toy. We went for a ride on the lawn mower for an hour or so. It was then time to create a fast simple dinner. The day went by fast but it was filled with some of my favorite simple pleasures. 1. I loved being able to have a girly chat. 2. It was wonderful being able to go to the solon and to be pampered. 3. Lunch was great. That particular restaurant has a great salad bar and homemade soups. 4. I love buying my child little treats. I loved being able to give him the treat because he did have a good day. I love how happy that $1.07 made him and the big smile he gave me. “I love it Mom. It’s just what my brain thought I would get. I love you Mom!” 5. Cutting grass together is one of our favorite summer activities. He loves to help drive. I love the engine being so loud that I can’t hear his constant ramblings. I love being able to lean down and plant a big kiss on the side of his cheek and give him a few love squeezes. 6. I love it when I can cook a nice healthy meal that only takes a few minutes of prep time and doesn’t dirty up the kitchen. 7. Being able to play an on-line game with my little one is great fun. We laughed and teased one another over our poor skills. My heart grew warm when he told me how much he loved me and how I’m the “bestest” mom because I know how to find the best truck games. Simple pleasures, they are the tiny things that make life worth living.

Voyeuristic, Exhibitionism, Martymachlia…

2008-09-09T23:49:00.003-04:00

Most likely you know what being voyeuristic and into exhibitionism mean. However, there are a few of us out there that fall under the term of martymachlia. Martymachlia is the paraphilia involving sexual attraction to having others watch during a sexual act. I may not meet the DSM qualifiers but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t turn me on. >>>>>>>> My first experience being watched while having sex was with my high school sweetheart. He had a cousin who was still a virgin. On one very drunken afternoon at the lake the cousin happened to walk in on us. He was very red faced but also fascinated. )))))))) My boyfriend gave me a questioning look and then told his cousin that he could stay and watch if he wanted to. I was shocked at first but I was also excited to have someone watch me from the sidelines. It was even more exciting when I saw him masturbating while watching us. ________ A few years later that same boyfriend and I were having a picnic in the woods that had turned into some sex play. A hiker walked up on us and then quickly turned and walked away. For some reason that exposure gave me the creeps. I’m not sure what the difference was for me. (((((((( While dating my MPPM in my early 20’s we had several occasions that allowed me to explore my attraction to being watched. It was never discussed or planned. Somehow or another we ended up having sex in front of a few people he knew, his ex who was my best friend, and best of all the large window of a mid-city hotel (that was a very yummy night). --------- I loved the hotel window session. In fact, I have had that one a few times with different men. Keep in mind these aren’t the one or two story motels with a walkway right in front of them. These were nice high-rise hotels located in a busy large city. Our rooms were high enough that most likely no one saw anything or didn’t realize what they were seeing. It was just the thought that someone might be able to see us that turned me on. ^^^^^^^^^ I have told every man that I have been in a serious relationship with that one of my fantasies is to be riding in a limo with the windows down. Dressed in formal ware with me sitting astride the male. We would be driving through busy city streets at night. People would be able to look in and guess what we were doing buy not see everything or know for sure. Damn them; all of those men, none of them ever made that fantasy come true! ########## I also tried to get my MPPM to have sex with me several times while we were in nightclubs. Clubs always have nice dark spots that would be perfect for such things. I even wore crotch-less hose one night just to make it easier. I almost always wore mini skirts so sitting in his lap would have been perfect. For all of his inhibitions he wouldn’t do that. He did let me have my way with him that night in the parked car downtown. That was also the night we played in front of the hotel window. Like I said, it was a yummy night! ********* My current mate would never ever consider any of this. Luckily he has other talents that can keep me happy.

The wonderful world of penises…

2008-09-08T22:10:00.001-04:00

I haven’t been feeling great the past week or so. I decided that I needed to do something to cheer me up. What to do… __________________________________________________________________________________ It came to me to me this afternoon that I should sit down and write a post based on all the penises I have known. During my younger years I was well read in the subject. I have to admit that the past ten years my experiences have been limited. I guess I’ll just have to rely on my memories and my single friends’ more current adventures. __________________________________________________________________________________ All men from around the world want to have their royal penises idolized. Men want to believe that theirs is the biggest and brightest of all penises their lovers have had the luck to feast their eyes upon. Men long for women to bow and show homage to their perfect penises. __________________________________________________________________________________ As much as it hurts me to be the one to break the news to all of you male readers out there (only a slight evil snicker), women in generally don’t like the look of dicks. We love what the dicks can do for us but can do without the visuals. Nothing is much worse than seeing a limp dick and balls flapping in the wind. __________________________________________________________________________________ Most men have no concept of grooming in their nether region. Listen up guys, here is a real shocker, women like for guys to keep their public hairs trimmed! Nothing ruins the moment like having to stop orally worshiping your penis just so we can remove that three-inch long curly hair. How would you like it if you got one of those in your mouth when sucking on our nipples? ___________________________________________________________________________________ If you’d like for our heads to spend more time between your legs here are a few tips to keep in mind: 1. Trim your hairs once every month or two. Some women like it shaved, some don’t. You can try asking her what she likes. You can always ask her to do it for you if you can handle the fact that she has scissors and or a razor a few centimeters from your precious cock. Warning, do not attempt if you have recently forgot her birthday, anniversary, or had a spat. 2. Rapidly and properly treat any rash (even if it is just a heat rash) that appears in or around the groin area. We don’t want to expose our faces to your possible crotch rot. 3. Never under estimate the power of soap. Invest in some five-dollar smell good men’s body wash. Find a soap you like and use it often. 4. If you have to take a pee break please for heavens sake wipe off the pee before you present it to our faces. Body fluids of this nature are not desirable. 5. Lastly, if you are a leaker (you know who you are) invest in a pack of tasty condoms. One of the major condom companies actually makes mint flavored ones. Most of us ladies do not like your liquid gold. If your lady likes it she is one in a million so you should do a little happy dance. _________________________________________________________________________________ Penises come in all shapes and sizes. There is no one size fits all for us ladies. Some of us need a larger penis and some need a smaller one. For every penis there is a pussy somewhere out there just longing for it. _________________________________________________________________________________ Most women will agree that they don’t really care about the length as long as it falls into the average range. However, girth does matter. For regular intercourse we want to be able to feel it in us and most of us like to feel we have to stretch just a bit to receive you. For anal sex it’s a different story. _________________________________________________________________________________ There are some men that are massively large. Many of us ladies like the thought of taking one of those for a test drive. Most of us find out that our eyes are bigger than our pussies could ever be. There are women who can and do love king kong cocks. I’m just not one of them. Oh, and no I can not fit that into my mouth! _________________________________________________________________________________ Some of you men have been given long thin penises. Okay, not very filling; however, they are great for anal sex. Also, you can buy a sleeve to add some girth. In regards to penises, it’s better to have to little than too much. You can’t find slenderizing condoms out there. __________________________________________________________________________________ I have on one rare occasion met a penis that was a tom thumb. Not a man’s thumb size but a girls thumb size. I felt so bad for the poor guy. What is a male to do when they are only 2-3 inches long and about the same in girth? This is when medical help might be the most effective avenue. There are procedures that can be preformed to add a tiny bit in length and an inch or two in girth. The easiest thing would be for these men to use extenders and sleeves. Learn how to become great at eating out and finding the g-spot (you only need a couple of inches to reach it anyway). ___________________________________________________________________________________ Now to all the regular guys, you’re average, be thankful that you don’t have to worry about being too thick, thin, or short. You’re the perfect penis for most of the ladies of the world. You can fill us up without worry of causing us pain or of us asking if it’s in yet. If your lady likes it a little larger surprise her with a sleeve every now and then. You are the ones that our creator made to be the perfect match to our bodies. Now, stop doubting yourself because you don’t have a porn star’s penis. Not many do and not many would want that anyway. ___________________________________________________________________________________ I did meet the perfect penis for me once a long time ago. It was a penis I could hold and admire all day. I would have loved to have held it and loved it all day long if possible. So, what happened to the perfect penis? The penis was perfect the man wasn’t. Seeing how one cannot live by penis alone I had to part from the perfect penis. However, I shall have my memories forever.

The Man with the Magic Hands…

2008-09-04T12:22:00.002-04:00

There once was a man with a magic hand. I often wished I could have kept that magic hand all to myself forever (didn’t care for the man part; just the hand). What could have been so special about this magical hand you ask. Everything! **************** First, let me describe to you the man. He was fourteen years my senior and freshly divorced. He had decided he no longer wanted to be a suit and tie nine to five worker any longer and had given up his six digit banker job to be a co-owner of a painting company. He was 6’5” with wide thick shoulders and long thick legs. His hands, oh, those wonderful hands, were large and strong. **************** He wasn’t bad in bed but nothing spectacular like my Mister Perfect Penis man. However, what he could do with those hands was more than what any woman could ever long for. He would flip me over to my belly and massage my entire backside. When I became completely relaxed he would ease one of his hands down between my legs. He would gently stroke my clit and ever so slowly ease his fingers into me. He would work up his pace finger fucking me with a few of his fingers while another one would stimulate my clit. That alone was heaven but it got even better. With those long, strong, thick fingers he would maneuver them ever so perfectly onto my G-spot. I would cum so hard that I would about squeeze his hand off. I would be left breathless and unable to move for ten minutes at a time. Usually I would cum so hard that I wasn’t able to recover enough to have regular sex. I would just lie there and bask in the glory of the O. You know you have had one hell of an orgasm when you can’t handle anymore. **************** Our relationship was short lived. We knew going into it that it was just something to help him get over his ex and to keep me company until someone my own age came along. I may not easily recall his name but I’ll never forget those hands!

I’m not a nympho I just have too many hormones...

2008-09-03T11:10:00.003-04:00

I’m not a nympho I just have too many hormones… I have always had a high sex drive. The fact that even as a young child I couldn’t get enough says a lot(refer back to The Toy). You would think this would have been an asset for me. However, it has been a royal pain. * Men offhandedly make the comments about how they would love to have a nympho girl. Trust me they don’t. It intimidates them and they find out that they aren't the studs they like to think of themselves as being. I can’t tell you how many men have ran off because I wanted so much sex and demanded it be good sex. As the old saying goes, “watch what you ask for or you just might get it!” * I never knew what was wrong with me but I knew there had to be something wrong. Good little girls just aren’t supposed to think about sex a hundred times a day. They defiantly shouldn’t act upon those thoughts! * It wasn’t until I was having problems becoming pregnant that I found out what was wrong with me. My ovaries work overtime! Not only do they produce all those lovely female hormones that spark our lovely moody selves but mine also produce an extreme abundance of male hormones! When my levels were finally tested I had ten times the normal amount of androgens that are found in MEN. The busy little ovaries I have had been kicking out these high levels my entire life. * Wow, it all makes sense now as to why I have always had the physical issues. I have to much hair all over (thank goodness it is fine hairs and not the thick ones). I have always had weak periods and for the last ten years none at all. I’m always had bad acne. I gain weight just by looking at food but is nearly impossible to loose weight. My blood sugar levels are hard to maintain (which creates it’s own form of craziness). * I get moody and bitchy like all other females. I also get pissed off and angry like males. Yes I get the worst of both worlds. All along I thought I was my own special brand of crazy. Then I find out there are a lot of us girls out there with the same affliction. The girls that I have talked to that have the same medical issue are just as sex crazed as myself. Well, at least I know I'm not alone. * In my younger days I was always on the pill and that is one of the prescribed treatments for the condition. It helps to balance out the hormones. Well, being as special as I am I can’t take the pill any longer. My heart is to bad for it or any of the other normal treatments. I get to just live with the extra hormones that like to rule the roost. * I told my mate before we married that I was sure things would get worse when I had my female sexual peak. He thought it was funny and joked how he looked forward to it. He isn’t laughing now. * Like most men I become enraged when I get teased. Self-fulfillment will only go so far. Like most men I become pissed and start feeling like “if this bitch won’t rock my balls off I’ll find someone who will.” Being married and having those feelings gets rough. * Obviously I can’t just go and pick up that hot construction worker who is all nice and shinny with sweat and show him how good an anonymous one time fuck can be. Not that I don’t think about it constantly. I have to try and keep thinking with my head and not my dick; opps, I meant pussy. * I have been working overtime trying to get my mate to become more “active.” I have been sending naughty texts and adding extra ginger to his Asian meals. I’ve been very vocal about what is going on with me and how it’s time to step up to the plate. What more can a horny girl do? * I think I have about pushed him to far. So what now? Do I continue to wallow in my own juices and let this exciting time pass me by? I know that the rational end of me would hate myself if I did act on my desires. Who would want to be with me anyway; I’m over weight, in bad health, and married. I think that counts as the three strikes your out. * Do I go to the doctor and ask for an anti-viagra pill? I can just imagine how that conversation would go. “Hey Doc, I have been overly horny the past few years and I can’t seem to find anyone to take care of my needs. Can you hook me up with an “I never want sex again” pill?” “Ms. S. you’re really just fucked up in the head and there isn’t anything I can do for you.” Of course, me being me, I could also see it ending in him flipping me over and giving me one big dose of good fucking right there on the medical table. Whew, my mind tends to wander a lot these days. * Okay, I need some advise people. How do I get my mate to understand how real this is for me without grinding his ego into a million little pieces? If there is one bit of truth in this world I know for sure. If a man’s ego gets hurt his dick is worthless. I really would never get any then.

What a Pre-nup Should Have...

2008-09-03T10:05:00.002-04:00

I was once more reading someone elses blog about their thoughts on pre-nups. Here is the comment that I left. ******************************************************** I think a financial pre-nup is silly for the average person. However, as a married woman, I would have loved to have had a pre-nup for the emotional and physical expectations of the relationship. Mine would read something like this: I do hereby agree that I will perform oral sex once every tenth orgasm that is produced without the need of specialized devices. My nagging and *itchiness will correspond to the degree my overall needs are met. My emotional and physical needs are so listed: 1. Active conversations (that includes more than “how was your day…”) are to be held once a day. 2. Sex will be provided a minimum of four times a week only to be less if a physical illness inflicts one of the said parties. 3. Once every three months said parties will engage in a love making session that will be romantic and slow. 4. Once every month full on hard core animalistic sex will be provided. 5. If one of the said parties has completed their need during any given sexual encounter they will continue to be attentive and actively engage until the other party reaches their desired outcome. 6. If the said male begins to have issues with his ability to maintain, regain, or engage in sexual activity medical help will be obtained at once. 7. Cuddling without leading to sex will be provided at least two times a week. 8. Each party should pick up after themselves. All dirty laundry shall be left in the bathroom or laundry room. All drinks, glasses, and dishes shall be returned to the kitchen and placed in the sink. All grooming waste shall be deposited in the trash at once. The depositor will immediately clean any body fluids that are dribbled or splashed outside the normal depository agent. 9. The male is to always hold the female when she is upset and crying. Words are not necessary 90% of the time. 10. Both parties will treat each other with the utmost respect at all times. 11. If said male likes said female to smell, feel, and look nice said female will require an adequate allotment of funds to pay for such upkeep. 12. Females are hormonal and moody by nature and shall not be reprimanded for such behaviors. 13. Neither party shall spend more than $100 on any one item without first making a joint decision with said spouse. 14. If one of the said parties has a habit that can cause harm to either party and or their offspring the habit will immediately be stopped. 15. Personal space and privacy will be given for each party within the realms of natural needs.

Afternoon of Self-delight...

2008-09-02T16:42:00.000-04:00

My mate was to pick my son up from school today so that they could both go and get a haircut. I had been productive all day and decided to lay down with my computer for a bit of a rest. I checked my normal emails and read the latest news. While checking on my own blog I saw that one of my favorite bloggers had a new post. I went to her sight and checked it out. Before I knew what was happening I was undressed with my rabbit and big boy vibrator working their magic. I looked down and saw the nipple clips; how the hell did those get there? I decided to be devilish and send a picture message to my mate. He received a lovely shot of one of my large breast and it’s nipple being perfectly pinched in my beaded clips. I quickly received back a photo of him with a big schoolboy smile on his face. I guess he approved! Time seemed to vanish. When I had to take a short rest I noticed that it was soon approaching family time. I reluctantly turned off my toys. When I pulled out the rabbit it was like popping a cork. Juices flowed in a river of hot silken lube. My, oh my, where did all of that come from? I have a kitchen full of veggies and meat ready to be cooked. My veggies are done soaking and need to be spiced; I’m making three types of kim chee for my hapa man. I need to rush back in there to finish the meal up. However, I’m exhausted form my few hours of self-indulgence. My nipples ache and my juices keep flowing. Even my toes hurt from all the curling! Oh, but my afternoon of self delight was well worth it!

Get out...

2008-09-02T00:00:00.003-04:00

It is time for our child to leave our room! I have a five year old who means the world to us. He was born two and a half months early and struggled for his life (3lb 4oz). When we were able to bring him home from the hospital five weeks later he was only four pounds. We tried to put him into his crib the first night. However, he looked like a tiny grain of sand in that big bed. We put him in the bassinet next to our bed and he hated it. The only way any of us could get some sleep was to take turns letting him sleep on our chest. He wanted to feel our body heat and hear our heartbeats. We had to get up with him every two to three hours to feed him for months. It was much easier to keep him in the bed with us. Plus, we felt safer. It was made clear to us that he was at a higher risk of SIDS because of his low birth weight. We only half slept so that we could constantly make sure he was breathing. Once we started having him in the bed he wouldn’t sleep anywhere else. Up until this past year we didn’t like having him out of our room. He suffers from asthma and we worry that he may get sick and we would not be able to hear him. We have just always felt safer having him in the room with us. When he turned four years old he finally grew to large for us to get a good nights rest in the same bed. We started off by making him a makeshift bed next to my side of the bed. He and I could reach and touch each other during the night. After a few months we moved him to the end of the bed. A few months ago we moved him to the other side of the room. This has all went well. Tonight was the last straw for me… I was so horny and didn’t want to have to wait until he was well asleep. I had my mate finger me into a fluster several times. All the while trying to be still and not make a sound. It was like being teenagers and having to hide from our parents. I was ready to fuck and fuck hard, rough, and loud! The child just kept on talking and wanting to get one more bedtime kiss and hug. He needed to be tucked into bed just right. He had to get up to pee a few times. He was thirsty… He was doing everything but going to sleep! I’m done with having to put my sex life on hold. I’m tired of having to sneak out of my own bedroom just so we can have sex without risking waking him up. I know I can’t just send him to his bedroom to sleep. His father and I wouldn’t be able to stand being that far from him anyway. So, what is a horny mommy to do? I’m moving his bed out into the hallway by our bedroom door. He can still be only a few feet from us but there will be a door between us. He can scream, yell, and cry all he wants. I’m done. I want to have my sex life back. Step one; kick the boy out of the room. Step two; get a prescription for some little blue pills (or something that will allow me to play as long as I want to; those things don’t work as well when their 40+ as they did when they were 25). Step three; give up being nice about presenting my needs. It’s time to be specific and if egos get hurt along the way oh, well. I’m old enough that I know what I want, when I want it, how long I want it, and the way I want it. I don’t mind giving lessons and making demands. Hell, I’ll draw a map if need be!

Free pass...

2008-09-01T09:24:00.003-04:00

Once every ten years I think all women should be entitled to mind-blowing sex. Most women are skilled in being able to restrain their own sexual needs in order to receive some of their other needs. What could be more important than great sex? Yes, even I know that other things are more important. Having a comfortable safe home filled with love and attention top my list. Security is what most of us ladies want. We want to feel safe physically, financially, and within the realms of our heart. I think it is innate for women to want these basic things. It goes back to pre-historic times when females needed someone to protect them and their brood from the elements. The well being of themselves and their offspring depending on having a mate that could keep the beast at bay; bring in a steady supply of meat, and defend the hearth. Today we are capable of making our own living and providing our own homes. However we still want to feel safe and protected. I admit it; I expect certain stereotypical jobs to be done by my mate: take out the trash, kill all bugs that dare to trespass, take care of the cars’ upkeep, carry all heavy boxes, bags, luggage… I also expect for my mate to fill the car with gas if he is in the car with me, handle the major finances, and investigate the “sounds” of the night. Most women would never admit it but we long to be taken care of. We want a man who will make a good father and husband. To achieve these goals we generally willing to put some of our other needs on the back burner. Our sexual needs seem to somehow usually be one of those things. The term “perfect man” is an oxymoron. That being said, if we want something close to our ideal man we have to decide what is most important to us. It took me until I was thirty to realize that great sex shouldn’t be on the top of my list. In my current mate I have found ninety percent of my “must haves” and wants. The main thing I long for is the mind-blowing sex. I get sex just not as often or as well as I might like to get it. That brings me to my latest thought… I think women should be giving a free pass for once every ten years to partake in mind-blowing sex. No strings attached, no jealousy, no punishment. We could even have certified men with special talents that we could look up in the yellow pages. Wouldn’t you hate to get that chance then find out that you wasted your free pass on a dud! Oh the horror! It’s been well over ten years since I’ve had mine… I’m way overdue!

Sweet Sleep...

2008-09-01T07:05:00.004-04:00

It is another day of me waking before the sun. Something is wrong. I’m a night owl not an early bird. I love being the only one awake in the still of the night. I love sleeping late and having the bed to myself. I love being able to take my little one to school and then return to my soft princess bed and sleep the morning hours away. So why have I been waking up so dang early for the past week? I’m still not going to bed until late. I’m the type of person who needs a good nine hours of beauty rest each day. I’m happiest when I get nine at night then a two-hour nap in late afternoon. I know I sleep my days away… I do so love wallowing in my dreams. I have very vivid dreams and within them I can live out all the fantasies that I could never do in the real world. I am able to repair any problems and climb the highest mountain in my dreams. I can be any age and in any health. I can be the best or the worst within my dreams relishing the taste that both provide. Maybe I can try to sleep once more now that the sun is rising. I do have a few things and people I’d love to interact with currently… Who knows, I might find the answer to my lack of sleeping this past week within those dreams…

Fellatio loving...

2008-08-29T22:38:00.001-04:00

Oh my, I read a provocative blog this evening and it got my juices flowing if you know what I mean. (http://theovereducatednympho.com/) I would have loved to have been able to masturbate while reading it but my child was running around… Dang it, those little people always seem to know when parents need private time! I am not one who normally becomes overly enthused about performing bjs. I have an active child and finding time alone with my mate is hard to come by. Trying to get him to cum twice is even harder… I hate wasting the time on bjs when we could be doing something that can get us both off. Not to mention he is a leaker. I hate it when there is a lot of pre-leakage. Tonight was different. I read this young ladies blog about her love for oral sex. It got me thinking about how much I know my mate loves being on the receiving end and how long it has been since I have graced him in that way. I called him into the bathroom, locked the door and took a nice shower with him. This is a common thing for us. It allows us some alone time that we can enjoy some heavy petting. To his surprise I spent the next hour showing his manhood a good time with my hands, mouth, and breast (thank goodness for big boobs). The mischievous little devil within me loved bringing him to the brink and then backing off. Looking up with an evil grin each time. He now has that sleepy satisfied little boy look on his face. It gives me pleasure to know that I made his night; week, month… Of course, now I can’t wait until our child goes to sleep so that I can take care of my own needs!

No Repercussions...

2008-08-29T13:59:00.001-04:00

The reasoning for my blogging is to continue to work on my demons. The thing I am wanting to work on currently is figuring out why I long for being devilish and getting into mischief. I’m wanting to find out if I just have an increased need of if or are these things that every person battles with. I know different people desire and lust for different things. My biggest question is does everyone have as hard of a time as I do with containing them. Would people give in to their desires more often if they knew they wouldn’t have to deal with any repercussions? So many other times I have heard people say that they would never do “that” (whatever their longing might be) even if they could get away with it. I think this is false. I know I’d be the first in line! I’d be the queen of lust and the female Robbin Hood… My short list: 1. If I wasn’t being serviced adequately at home I’d jump in the car and find someone who was filled with passion, confidence and lust for a quick tune up. Note, for my own morals (yes, I would still have them), I’d first state my case and desires at home. If they couldn’t be filled there I’d love the rush of some no-strings-attached servicing. 2. I’d love to kidnap a few politicians and let them live for a while like the rest of us do. I’d let them see what it’s really like in today’s schools and what it’s like to grow up poor. Maybe if they could see what the world is like from our perspective they would make better politicians. 3. I’d do away with multimillion-dollar homes and spread that money out to the ones who live in fear of the guns shots they hear at night, the cold and heat they experience when they can’t pay their electric bills. What's it like to never eat steak but know a hundred ways to cook a hotdog. 4. I’d raid the checking accounts of the mega wealthy and provide healthcare for all of the children without any. 5. I’d do away with the big paychecks for professional entertainers/sports. I’d restructure the nations energy sources, update our public transportation systems and provide free training and higher education to all. 6. I’d blind the bigots, crucify the pedophiles, and impose mandatory birth control for the all the prolific baby makers that refuse to care adequately for those children. 7. I’d love to be able to give a “V-8” slap to the head of the stupid people we deal with each day. Not to hurt or damage them, just to wake them up and let them know they are being stupid. 8. I’d make it where animal breeders had to be certified and licensed. Too many animals are killed or left to fend for themselves. Why do so many feel the need to continue to breed (money, what eles...). 9. I’d make it mandatory for everyone to have testing for std’s twice a year. That would prevent any stigma for wanting to be tested. It would be thought of as we do going to the dentist. If you have something that doesn’t go away then they get tattooed in their bikini region identifying their disease. Clothing, even swim wear would cover it up but their partners would know the truth. Think of how fast we could put a stop to the spred of them. 10. I’d require all parents to first pass parenting classes before they can take those precious babies home. They would also have to have yearly checkups. If they don’t have time to read a book to their kids at night or spend 20 minutes helping with homework then they don’t need the children. If the child spends more time with a childcare provider than they do with their own parents they shouldn’t be with the parents at all. Okay, most of these things are for the humor and i wouldn't really do them. But wouldn't it be nice if we could. What would like to be able to do?

Poem...

2008-08-28T10:06:00.002-04:00

One of my Myspace friends had a blog about how she found this poem in her mother's room a while back. Her mom past away from cancer last year. I thought it was so true and needed in my own world that I had to post it. **************************************************************************** One Day at a Time "There are two days in every week about which we should not worry; two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension." "One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word said--- Yesterday Is Gone!" "The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds-- but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn." "This leaves only one day--- Today! Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I have the burdens in those two awful eternities- Yesterday and Tomorrow- that we break down." "It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad-- it is the remorses or bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring." "Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time."

Memories...

2008-08-27T10:45:00.004-04:00

“The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant.” Salvador Dalí ************************************************************************************* The ladies within my family tend to all have the same affliction in regards to memories. We tend to remember the brighter happier ones far more often than the unpleasant ones. I think this is our minds way of keeping us sane. However, it can allow us to easily return to some of the dark roads we have already traveled. I tend to be the one who has to remind the others about the falsehood of their memories. Regardless of how realistic I usually am, I sometimes find myself coveting the good memories and ignoring the bad ones. At first thought this doesn’t seem to be a problem. But, once you consider why we have the memories in the first place you may change your mind. "We think of memory as a record of our experience. But the idea is not just to store information; it's to store relevant information. [The idea is] to use our experience to guide future behavior. There's been a lot of really interesting research that points to a connection between our memory of the past and our ability to imagine the future. In our studies of animal models of memory, where we're able to go in and actually watch the pattern of [a rat's] brain activity, we can see that the brain activity while the animal is in a behavior-based situation, [such as navigating a maze,] directly corresponds to its future behavior: what it can, may and will do in the future. We can see that the animal does in fact — I hesitate to use the word, but I'll use it anyway — "think." In terms of brain activity, anticipating the future and remembering the past seem to be related. The speculation is that we process memory in order to solve problems. And things we should learn from, things that are particularly important or that have strong emotions tied to them, may be things that are going to be important in the future.” Matt Wilson, a professor of neurobiology at MIT's Picower Institute for Learning and Memory. We have the good, the bad, and the ugly memories in order for us to learn from our past. If we don’t use those bad memories what is there to stop us from getting ourselves into the same predicaments as before? This is especially true when dealing with people. I am a strong believer that people do change. I’m living proof of that. I know that people can rid themselves of bad habits. However, I also know from personal experience that one must truly want to change their behaviors. If you don’t see a behavior as an issue you will never care to change it. If you were to encounter a friend from your past that you had many memories of; the good and the bad; would you be more out to only remember the good? Would you be able to take into account that the person may have made some positive changes? At what point do we stop romanticizing the pleasant memories? At what point do we pay heed to the negative ones? Shouldn’t we keep an open mind to the effects of time and how we grow? ************************************************************************************* Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume. ~Jean de Boufflers ************************************************************************************* To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward. ~Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender

The Kiss...

2008-08-26T21:37:00.002-04:00

Have you ever had one of those kisses that just knocked you off your feet? A kiss that could have came from a classic movie scene? I would have been the first one to laugh at the thought of fireworks going off with a kiss. Boy, was I wrong… I had my first date with someone I had been talking to for about a month. I had been in self-induced celibacy and wasn’t looking for a relationship. I had actually reached a point in my life where I was focusing on my career and emotional health. We were online friends so I had trepidations about the date. My sister actually had to physically push me to the front door. I must say that I was nicely surprised when I opened the door. We went to eat at a Greek restaurant on River Street in Savannah, GA. It was a nice meal that we followed up with frozen drinks from Wet Willies. Conversation had gone well but I wasn’t sure if the chemistry was there. Walking back to the car we were strolling along the cobblestone road and watching the boats on the river. The east end of River Street curves under some old oak and crepe myrtle trees drenched in Spanish moss creating a romantic southern canopy. Next to the river stood the Waving Girl statue. It was a perfect postcard setting. While walking under those lovely crepe myrtles I felt him grab my wrist (we hadn’t even been holding hands) and pull me back to him. Before I knew what was happening I was being kissed like I had never been kissed before. He was confident and strong. He kissed me with brief soft gentle touches followed by deep powerful moments that set my heart racing. I’d never had a kiss that was so romantic and brilliantly wonderful. I’d never had a kiss that instantly sent chills down my spine and fire to my loins. Any doubts I had about our chemistry flew out the door with that one kiss. As a side note, you might be shocked that I actually kept the demon at bay that night and didn’t allow my desires to rule the night. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t send him home in pain from the long evening of heaving petting. ***This is also the one that I have kept around for over eight years now…

The Angel's work...

2008-08-25T23:08:00.001-04:00

I have to sometimes remind myself that there is more to me that the demon side. In fact, these days my angel side shines more than ever. I’m not sure if it is due to my age and current relationship status or just the lack of opportunities. My days of engaging in risky frisky sex are long gone. My days of clubbing until the night turns to day are long gone. My days of drinking and partaking in other mood altering items are long gone. Instead, I spend my days taking care of the house and family. I attend PTA meetings and bake cookies. I kiss boo-boo’s and help with homework. I tell bedtime stories and rub backs. I live in my very own fifties family television program, well, sort of. I spent my days in the trenches when I was teaching. I battled the issues that surround inner-city schools and the students that fill them. I can proudly say that I gave my heart to the student’s I taught. I know that I made a difference in several children’s lives. I was the soft place to land when their world at home was filled with gangs, drugs, and abuse. I was one of the few that offered encouragement and a gentle touch. I put in at least 60 hours a week because I wanted to do my very best. I wanted to be able to give them the skills and hope to make it out of their current pattern. I’m sure many have fallen into the same patterns that their parents had. However, if I was able to make a difference in just a few of their lives it was all worth it. I go out of my way to help others even if it is at a cost to myself physically or financially. I cut the grass for my elderly neighbor. I buy little gifts and send treats for my mate’s employees. I dote on my child and mate. I try to provide for all of their needs before they have the chance to ask. I send love notes and whisper sweet nothings. I stroke their egos and build their self-esteem. I am cook, maid, mother, teacher, nurse, psychologist, friend, playmate, lover, and slave. I have always loved to observe people. Today when I’m out and about if I notice someone looking blue I try to find a way to give him or her a pleasant compliment. Something minor that might add a bit of light to their day. I know I am capable of letting the angel spread her wings. I do so much more now than my younger days. I try much harder to control my desires and to use wisdom and restraint when dealing with a difficult situation. My main goal in life currently is to keep my child and mate healthy, happy, and well loved. It is a constant battle for me to fight off the demon and her desires. Why is it that the things I long are often things that would hurt those I care for. Here lies my biggest battle; keeping all of my longings within and far from the eyes of those I love.

The Animal Within...

2008-08-25T09:01:00.004-04:00

I was reading on a friend’s blog about the hunger she has for pure animalistic sex. That is it. That is one of the things that I miss the most about my youth. When I was in my early twenties I wasn’t held by the boundaries of a formal relationship. I was in several relationships but most were just my way of trying to get a certain lover to be more than just my lover. I was naive enough to think that if he saw me with the others he might see how valuable I was and want to keep me closer. Since the other relationships were just a game to me I didn’t feel the need to honor the restraints that normal relationships require. Or, maybe it was that I couldn’t control myself. I think that it was most likely that I didn’t care to control myself. In our society females aren’t suppose to want an one night stand. Why not? I can’t be the only one who loves the thought of being able to do ANYTHING with a person and not having to worry about what he or she feels or thinks about you. Knowing that you never have to see or talk to that person again. It allows for such freedom! Women are regarded as sluts for wanting to have many different experiences. Men on the other hand are great conquerors. They are able to freely boast to their friends about their exploits. However for us ladies we are to hide our shame and live with the guilt. I think that is what I liked so much about the person I wanted to hold so close. He knew the true joy of animalistic sex. He didn’t allow normalcy to hold him back. One of my favorite romps with him began as I opened the door one afternoon. I was living several hours from this lover. I can’t remember if I was expecting him to come up that day or not. Regardless it turned into an afternoon of passion and raw sex. I opened the door expecting a “hello” and little hug. Instead, what I got was pushed up against the wall kissed with the most wonderful passion and strength. We spent several minutes there at the front door engulfed in heavy petting. We moved on toward the bedroom but didn’t make it. We ended up in the archway to a hall. Once more we spent time relishing in the foreplay. Even when we made it to the bedroom we didn’t make it to the bed. I believe it was that day that I spent quiet some time torturing him for some of his past bad deeds. Oh, I can be such a devilish punisher. Another man, this time a stranger, provided me with an extraordinary animalistic experience. My friend and I had gone out clubbing in the big city. We were dressed in out best upscale slut attire. We were at our second club of the night when my friend began talking with a gentleman. He was nice and seemed to be into her. A bit later his friend came to join us and it was then that I knew I wanted to “play” with him. Why did this one person of all the people in the club cause such a stir within me? Chemistry, no it was that he reminded me of someone I longed for. I don’t think I intended the night to go as far as it did but none the less I didn’t put a hold on it. We left this club intending to hang out at the gentleman’s apartment for a while. I was riding in the back seat with his friend. We didn’t even make it a mile before we were locked in heavy kissing and petting. I can remember my friend laughing and telling the gentleman that we may just do it right there in the backseat while they watched. I didn’t care. I was just enjoying the passion of the moment. Once we arrived at the gentleman’s apartment the friend and I went out onto the balcony to talk. Once more we engaged in our heavy petting. My friend came to the window and peered out at me with a huge smile on her face and just shook her head. She then retired to the gentleman’s bedroom for her own game of heavy petting. I don’t remember why we stopped but at some point we left and the men took us back to our hotel room. It was there that the real animalistic sex occurred. My friend and her gentleman were in her bed and this man and I were in ours. I had no quorums about having sex in front of them. In fact, I enjoyed being watched. However, this man wasn’t quite as much of an exhibitionist as I was. There was no way that after several heavy petting sessions that I could not have my fill of the whole thing. I dragged this poor fellow into the motel bathroom and fucked him there on the floor. I even had him perform anal sex. Anal sex, yes for my angel side this was a big no-no. The demon loves it because she thinks it is a wonderful, pleasurable pain, to punish my naughty self. I’m sure it was his first time playing in that playground. He was extremely embarrassed by the whole affair. I didn’t care. I got what I was longing for; raw sex with not strings. I knew his first name and that’s all. I didn’t even care if I knew that. It wasn’t about him it was about what he could do for me that night. Making love is a wonderful experience when two people are bound together by intense love. But, we shouldn’t overlook the thrills and excitement that raw animalistic sex can bring. Oh, how I long for a few hours filled with that passion once more… *****short clip on YouTube bound to get my point across.****** --- --- ---http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2QBY_N0FLs&feature=related

Regrets...

2008-08-25T00:43:00.003-04:00

Regrets are funny things. We all want to say that we don’t have any. However if the truth be told our past are filled with them. I for one have tons of them. I published a long list last night of many of my regrets. Then it dawned upon me hours later that I could never list them all. On top of that, could I ever be brave enough to share some of those darkest secrets? But isn’t that why I started this blog? I wanted to be able to purge all of the darkness from me. Obviously I am not yet strong enough to share it all. This is something I most work on.

The Toy...

2008-08-24T23:10:00.003-04:00

I guess all of us have a little of both good and bad in us. What we allow to show most often is regulated by how well we can control our desires. I have fought all my life with controlling those desires. I have always had an abnormal sex drive. I began masturbating when I was six years old. My father had hurt his back and my mom had bought him a back massager. As any young child would do, I had to play with it. I remember the first time vividly. I was sitting behind the couch where my father was laying watching television. I began holding the massager on different spots of my body. It gave me a funny ticklish feeling. If I held it to my face or chest it made me talk funny. I sat it down between my legs for a moment to attend to some other toy. That was when it hit me. Wow, where did that sensation come from? I continued to explore that area of my body. I had never felt that strange tingling before. I didn’t understand. I didn’t care. I just liked it! My face became flushed and I felt my heart racing. My toes instinctively curled and my back arched. There I was in the middle of the day having my first organism sitting on the floor behind the living room couch. My father only inches away. Something innate told me that whatever this new “thing” was that I was experiencing was something I shouldn’t be doing. I continued to play with this new toy more and more often. I can remember spending hours up in my extra tall bunk bed playing with this toy. How could no one in the house notice what I was doing? Maybe they did and paid little heed to my new found fascination with self-play. I tend to think that they just didn’t notice because the “toy” was never taken away from me. I can remember reaching that “special” feeling over and over until I was drenched in sweat and feel asleep exhausted. As I grew older that “toy” remained a favorite of mine. I continued to use it up into my twenties. Alas, one rainy Saturday afternoon during one of my many rounds with this toy it finally died of old age. In the midst of my toes curling for the third or fourth time that afternoon it burst into flames. Yes, it really burst into flames! I had to jump up and unplug it before the apartment went up with me in it.

I have often wondered if the “toy” was what began my abnormal sex drive or if I was just genetically, mentally, or hormonally flawed. Whatever the case; I know this was the start to my difficulties controlling my desires. The tug of war between the good and the bad that is always a constant within my life.